


Realization

by Picpicpic



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Coming Out, Discovery, Friendship, Gay, Grief, M/M, New Family, Self-Discovery, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-02-28 06:04:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 33,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13265256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Picpicpic/pseuds/Picpicpic
Summary: It only takes a moment, a brotherly gesture, but it sparks realization into a course of action.A\U in which it's Severide who steps forward to comfort Casey when Hallie dies.





	1. Holding On

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, first time posting here, (still learning the ropes) I'd thought I'd begin with a story I've posted on another site before... Hope you enjoy.. I'd be happy for comments and reviews.  
> ...  
> DISCLAIMER: All Characters of House 51: Boden, Casey, Capp, Clarke, Cruz, Dawson, Hadley, Herrmann, Mouch, Otis, Severide, Shay, belong to the creators of Chicago Fire. 
> 
> This story portrays a gay relationship,  
> if you're uncomfortable with such content, please don't read further.

**HOLDING ON**

_“Don’t let go”_ he whispers into the other man’s shoulder, his fingers gripping at his jacket just a little bit tighter, taking both of them by surprise, tears still streaming down his cheeks.

 _“I won’t, I’m right here,”_ trying to get over his momentary confusion, Severide says the first thing that comes to mind, unsure what Casey actually meant but swearing to the feeling of commitment, to be there for his friend in need.

 _“No,”_ Casey shifts his head into the crook of Severide’s neck, his arms wrapping tightly around him, _“I mean, don’t let go, ever.”_

He’s not sure what brought this on, well, except the radical feeling of falling as the doctor confirmed Hallie’s death, but where did the courage to bluntly expose the way he feels towards this man, suddenly come from? He’s been carrying it around for weeks, months even, silently convincing himself to get past it and never dare breath a word of it, especially not to Severide.

And yet, suddenly, having Severide hold him in a hospital corridor, it’s not a choice, but a pure need, a necessity, anguish, to ask Kelly to hold him, be with him and not let him fall. Good thing he has the excuse of a grieving fiancée as their entire shift have their eyes on them. Any weakness, any physical contact will be regarded merely as an understandable need for comfort. No one has to know it’s not. For now, anyway.

Grateful for his presence and silent understanding, Casey lets himself be held, not daring to raise his eyes to look at Severide’s reaction. Severide didn’t say anything after that. He just stands there, holding Casey in his arms, figuring it was the grief talking, the pain and the confusion. But he can’t avoid the questions coming to his head, as he feels Casey’s tears fall on his neck, his ragged breathes tickling against his skin.

There was something new happening, he just couldn’t put his finger on it. He’d never been Casey’s shoulder to cry on, not literally anyway, never out in the open in front of everyone. Yes, when things got tough, they’d share a beer or a cigar, allowing each other to vent, give some perspective. They knew each other well enough so the occasional look or nod was enough to convey empathy or happiness for the other. Got out of enough sticky situations on the job that the occasional pat on the back or squeeze of the shoulder happened but it never really went further than that.

But holding Casey, taking the moment to think about it, Severide can’t really imagine House 51 without the blond-haired lieutenant of truck 81.

He was usually so composed and in control. He cared for the people around him and he was an incredible firefighter and leader even under the worst of stress. But it dawns on Severide now, it’s more than that; Personally, he realizes, he’s lately been starting almost every shift looking to find Casey, just to get a sense that everything was right in the world. In his own times of need, he’d come to Casey for advice or just a steady ground to take a breath by. In fickle situations on calls, he always treasured Casey’s opinion, giving him a sense of calm and reason when his own tendency to act first think later, sometimes became too dangerous. Casey, he suddenly realizes, is like a stable center, he can teeter around, while his life roars around like an unhinged rollercoaster.

And now, suddenly, the balance has changed, standing there, holding Casey in his arms, letting him catch his breath and let out his pain, he hears the man’s plea as he asks him to be the tether to hold him place. And though they’re in a public place, and though he doesn’t entirely know what this means or what Casey wants, it’s new and exciting and overwhelming and he finds he’s extremely interested, all of a sudden, to find out what it all could mean, and another rush of devotion surges through him and suddenly he has an answer. He tightens his hold around Matt.

_“As long as you want.”_


	2. First Name Basis

**2 | First Name Basis**

 

Matt spends the better part of the next two days asleep.

Groggily coming in and out of sleep, he can sense the presence of people just outside his room, hushed voices, speaking softly around him but can’t seem to find the strength to get up or even focus. He lays there in silence, his mind going over the images from yesterday, or was it the day before? He’s not sure anymore. Eventually biology wins and he has to get up to the toilet.

The house is now quiet, the dim hustle and bustle that accompanied him in his stupor, now replaced by the roaring silence of his awareness.

 _“Hello?”_ he asks wearily as he comes out of his room, standing for a moment at the edge of the hall, looking into the sitting area and dining room. Severide’s head raises from the couch, turning to him, greeting him with friendly blue eyes,

_“Hey, how are you feeling?”_

_“Ehhh,”_ comes a tired answer as questions fill his head at the situation. _“What are you doing here Severide?”_ there’s something hard and accusing to his voice, but Severide knows better than to let it affect him.

_“You don’t remember?”_

_“Remember what?”_ he winces insecurely and Severide is not sure if he’s being true or trying to avoid what happened, giving him a clean getaway.

Only he doesn’t want one. _“You asked me to stay, Casey, so I’m here,”_

 _“No, I didn’t.”_ Casey’s face now settles into a firm blank expression, _“You can go.”_

He then turns to go to the toilet, hoping Severide will leave while he’s in there. He doesn’t have the strength to deal, with any of it.

Taking a leak, he tries to think over what Severide had meant. There is no way Matt would have asked Severide to stay. No way. They just didn’t do those kinds of things. If it were Dawson he would understand, Herrmann maybe, in some sort of fatherly way, but Severide? Really?

Coming out of the toilet, Matt finds Severide leaning against the sofa, his arms folded across his chest. His gaze meets Matt’s eyes the moment he looks up, a ‘no bullshit’ quality to them.

 _“You’re right,”_ he begins, _“you didn’t ask me to stay.”_ He gets up from his place, walking slowly towards Casey, squaring himself in front of him, their eyes meeting again. But when he speaks again, his tone has changed, softened, _“your exact words were ’don’t let go, ever.’ So I’m not. I’m right here and we’ll figure it out.”_

 _“Figure what out?”_ Casey’s not sure he’s not still dreaming.

The memory flashes through his mind, a blush comes to his cheeks at the thought of his own exposure. This can’t be real. It’s bad enough he’d let his guard down to let Severide know, but that Severide was going with it, playing along? It had to be that – a game – a way for Severide to mess with him, he just couldn’t understand why, when he’s at his lowest. Severide could be a dick at times, but he was never cruel.

 _“I don’t know, Casey,”_ he says slowly, his arms falling to his sides, _“This? What you meant, what we want.”_

 _“If we’re having this conversation,”_ Casey runs a hand over his face in disbelief, _“could you at least use my first name, call me Matt?”_

 _“Matt,”_ a smile ripples along Severide’s lips as he nods his head, his tone light, _“you sure you’re ready to have this conversation?”_

 _“No,”_ Matt answers gravely before Severide can even finish the question, a guilty look crossing his face.

 _“How about some breakfast, then, instead?”_ Severide offers gently, understanding the other man’s confusion and need for time. Matt nods slightly and Severide turns towards the kitchen.

 _“Severide,”_ Matt stops him on his heels, his voice airy, insecurity fluttering in his eyes.

 _“Kelly, Matt. At least repay me by the same coin.”_ He says gently, taking a step closer to Matt, _“now don’t worry about it, let’s go have breakfast. We can talk some more then. Come on.”_ He gently nudges Matt and walks away into the kitchen.


	3. Breakfast

**3 | Breakfast**

_“What day is it?”_ Matt finally voices his confusion while Kelly has his back to him, busy with frying eggs.

_“Wednesday,”_ comes a quick answer, _“you’ve been out for two days.”_ Only then does Kelly turn his head to look at Matt.  _“Funeral is on Friday. Their waiting for Hallie’s sister to come back from somewhere. Apparently, it took a while to reach her.”_

Matt takes a moment to digest the information, kicking himself for forgetting, even momentarily, about Hallie’s death and the need for the upcoming funeral.

_“Matt?”_

Kelly’s quick to notice the change in his friend but Matt pulls himself together, lifting himself from leaning on the countertop and reaching for the fridge.

_“Yeah, I’m fine.”_ He then busies himself with setting the table for breakfast.

But as they sit down at the table, on two sides of a corner, less than an arm’s length apart another, it’s harder to avoid the impending conversation.   
They sit there for a moment looking at each other before Kelly flashes a reassuring smile and lowers his head to his plate. Matt, on the other hand, flicks between the questions roaming in his head, unable to decide where to begin.  
After minutes in which he’s merely pushed the food from one side of the plate to another, Kelly decides to break the silence.

_“Matt, eat.”_

As he thought, it does the trick. Matt puts his fork down. _“How are so you calm about this?”_  

Kelly looks him in the eye, his gaze filled with light _, “I don’t know what this is, so what have I got to stress about. For now, it’s you and me having breakfast, that’s nothing new. Why are you so stressed about it?”_

He can see Matt blush, his mouth snaps shut as he looks anywhere but at Kelly.

_“Look,”_ Kelly continues, _“I don’t know what it all means, that’s for us to decide, but I’m not a kid anymore, I’ve done my share of running away, shutting people out, hunting one-night stands and flings that disappear when the going gets tough. I’ve tried all that and I ended up pretty much in the same place, have been for years. So, I figure, why not be open to what comes along and see what happens? Maybe I’m ready for something else.”_

After another moment he adds, _“You’re not just anybody Matt, we’ve known each other for years, had each other’s backs, helped each other pull through things. So, what’s there to stress about?”_

Matt can’t find words to answer, his mind reeling at Kelly’s words, instead, he now focuses on eating, Kelly taking the hint and following suit.

After a while of eating in silence, Matt finally dares to ask the question that’s been burning on his lips, his eyes glued to his plate, his voice low, _“So you’ll stay until Friday?”_

When Kelly doesn’t answer immediately, Matt slowly raises his eyes to find Kelly looking at him.

_“I have a shift tomorrow,”_ Matt nods silently, his eyes sinking back to his plate,  _“but I can stay until then and I can come back here Friday morning, we can go to the Funeral together if you want.”_

Matt nods again, a hint of a smile ripples on his lips.

_“One condition though,”_ Kelly suddenly adds, and Matt’s eyes shoot up to his. _“you’re going to have to start talking soon. This has been a one-sided conversation for a long enough. There’s no stress about us, we have time to figure this out, but you’re going to have to let me know a little bit of what’s going on in that head of yours. You can’t bottle it all up, not with me, okay? Deal?”_

Matt nods shyly, barely able to look at Kelly. _“Deal.”_

.

Soon after, Matt gets up to clear the table, stacking the dishes at the sink, he’s grateful for the opportunity to stand with his back to Kelly, not feel so exposed, though he can feel Kelly’s eyes on him.

_“So, tell me what was really been going on with you and Hallie,”_ Kelly asks carefully, still seated at the table. Matt turns his head, momentarily staring at Kelly, the word ‘ _really’_ ringing in his ears. Eventually he turns back to the sink, busies himself with dishes as he searches for the words. Severide knows better than to push him.

_“There was a time I thought she was the one for me. That we’d spend the rest of our lives together. Started fixing this place up thinking of kids. She knew me better than anyone. For the longest time she was my soulmate. She really was.”_

_“But?”_

_“But, eventually, even when things were going great, we’d always find ourselves stuck in the same dead-end. She didn’t want children and I couldn’t imagine my life without them. But there also something else.”_ Matt takes a moment, stabilizing his breath, before confessing what he never dared to admit to himself. _“At the end, there was like this line, this limit, to what she was willing to give our relationship. At least during her residency. She could be wild and passionate, but I always came up second to her job. Maybe I was the same way, god knows I tend to invest myself in my work.”_

He trailed off into silence and Kelly gave him a moment before he laid the next question.

_“So, where did you leave things? I mean, I didn’t even know she was back in town, and in the hospital, you were, well, it’s understandable it hard for you, but, was she your fiancée?”_

Matt finds Kelly’s eyes and tries to read what’s in them, realizing the question may have deeper impact to just his right to grieve.

_“She came back a few weeks ago and came looking for me. Said things had changed, that she was ready. We decided to take things slow, not let ourselves rush into what’s known and comfortable. But,”_ he pauses for a moment and Kelly can’t interpret the gaze in his eyes, _“She could feel something wasn’t right, that I was holding back, that I wasn’t… completely with her.”_

_“Dawson?”_ Kelly tries, but Matt can’t seem to face it yet, he merely shakes his head in silence, his eyes glued to the counter top in front of him.


	4. Full Disclosure

**4 | Full Disclosure**

_“Since when?”_

Though it’s been over an hour since his confession, as they now jog lightly along the shoreline, Matt immediately understands Severide’s question.

The atmosphere in the kitchen having changed, Severide had suggested they go out for a bit, try a change of scenery against the slow growing feeling of cabin fever. They hadn’t talked much since, nothing more than the technical decision what to do and where to go.

Having now settled in a comfortable easy pace with the possibility to avoid each other’s eyes, Severide decides to breach the subject again. Matt contemplates his answer, anxious at the exposure it brings with it, but finds he doesn’t have the strength and patience to even bend the truth. He’s come this far, there’s no point to wuss out now. Not that he’s sure he knows what it is exactly that he wants from Severide, but as Severide had said before, they’re not children and it was up to them to figure it out.

_“Full disclosure?”_ he glances at Severide to see him nodding, “Since Darden, I think.”

Severide loses his pacing, coming to a halt, a gap opening between them as Casey finishes his stride before he too manages to stop.

“ _Matt, that’s almost a year. What the hell?”_ Severide’s voice is loud and full of surprise, uncontrolled, as he tries to fathom what Casey had just said.

_“I know,”_ Matt’s voices apologetically, he then signals with his body for them to continue at least walking, “sorry.”

_“No, I mean, you don’t have to apologize, I’m just surprised, that’s all. You didn’t say anything. I didn’t know. Didn’t even suspect. I thought you had proposed Hallie earlier this year…”_

_“_ _Yeah,”_ a rush of guilt washes over Matt, but he pushes forward, “I think it was part of it. A distraction. The differences between Hallie and I were becoming clear, I was afraid to lose her, afraid of what it meant with what was happening with you, I, it was a coward thing to do but…”

_“I thought you hated me after Darden died. We were at each other’s throats for months.”_

_“I know. I didn’t hate you. I’ve never hated you. I felt guilty, I knew you were feeling guilty and that’s why you were putting me through hell. But, I don’t know, losing Andy, it made me realize how much you mean to me. Suddenly it become just the two of us, left behind, remaining… and I couldn’t bear the thought of anything happening to you. And from one day to the next, I, something just, happened.”_

_“Shit Casey,”_ Severide is so overwhelmed, he needs a moment for himself. Without thinking he picks up the pace, pushing himself physically to overcome the mental confusion, focusing on breath and pace. At his side, Casey just follows suite, slowly they raise the pace, running neck to neck, it soon becomes a silent competition.

They exert themselves trying to prove to each other something they can’t explain. Eventually, Casey gives up, a notion sneaking into his head to let it go, to give Severide some time, not let their egos get in their own way. He lets Severide take the lead and sprint off in the direction of the car.

A few moments later, Casey arrives at the car to find Severide leaning against it, shirtless. He nears the cars, fighting the pull to look at Severide’s heaving chest and clearly defined muscles, trying to avoid seeming awkward. But Severide sidesteps him, his tone slick and taunting.

_“See something you like?”_

Matt is taken by such surprise, he remains speechless, rooted in place, only his eyes move to meet the blue set in front of him.

_“Why don’t you take it then?”_ Severed continues suggestively and Matt isn’t sure what he’s playing at.

_“Don’t.”_ he voices unequivocally, battling against a rising feeling of shame.

_“Don’t what?”_ Severide challenges, now curious at Matt’s reaction.

_“Don’t treat me like I’m one of your one-night stands. Don’t make this… cheap. It’s not what I meant, it’s not what I want.”_   With his admission, his eyes sink to the floor.

_“Well, that’s a start,”_ Severide answers, _“it’s a step forward to what you knew to say before.”_

Matt’s eyes find their way back into his as he thinks Kelly’s words over.

_“Anyway,”_ Kelly continues, taking two steps closer towards Matt, his voice lowering to create privacy between them, _“I didn’t mean it like that, I’d never talk to a woman like that, not my style. I did mean it, though, to you. You’re so held back Matt, with anything concerning your personal life. I know you’ve had your share of rough, I know you have baggage, but you should believe you deserve some good, it’s okay to have good. And I wish you’d allow yourself to be more active about getting what you want._ _You do it in every other aspect of your life, just not in your personal relationships.”_

They lock eyes for a moment, Severide trying to read Matt’s reaction, before pushing forward, _“And for the record,”_ he says carefully, afraid the man in front of him will freak out at the sound of his next words, though he’s assertive of his decision to breach the subject, _“I’m open to us checking out the possibility of a physical, sexual relationship. Nothing cheap or dirty about it.”_

He can see Matt blush, feels like he’s losing him to confusion and embarrassment again, _“More than open Matt,”_ he quickly adds, his fingers just lightly fluttering at the hem of Matt’s shirt, _“I’m interested.”_

_“Have you ever…?”_ Matt answer comes in a form of a question, his voice small, the blush creeping all the way up to his ears and he avoids looking at Severide, but Kelly is happy he’s at least engaging in conversation and not shutting down completely.

_“Once, in_ college, _”_ Kelly answers shortly, unsure how Matt will react. But Matt only nods quietly, a solemn expression washes over his face as his brain works in overload to process this latest conversation.

_“How about we get out of here?”_ Severide tries to maneuver them out of the awkwardness, taking a step back, knowing Matt well enough to know he needs time for this to sink and stew. Matt just nods silently. _“I need to go by my place to get some things for tomorrow, then l can come to yours. You want me to drive you to your place first or you do you want to come with me?”_

_“My place,”_ Matt answers almost automatically, grateful for the opportunity for some time apart to work out what he’s feeling and what he wants. When he’d let his words slip in the hospital, he never imagined things would change so suddenly. He’d never thought Severide would be so, interested, was the word he’d just used.

An awkward silence falls in the car on the drive back, Matt enclosed in his own process, and Severide unsure how much more he can and should push it. Having the time to think about it, he realizes it must seem so sudden and new to Casey. Surprising how one small unconscious expression can snowball so quickly. He’s not even sure how it is he’s so willing to explore it, realizing perhaps some of the process Casey had confessed to earlier on their run, had also taken place in him, even more unnoticed.

As they reach Casey’s house, they both feel a need to clear the air, allow for some breathing space. _“I, uh” “Listen Case-”_ they start simultaneously, falling quiet the moment they realize it, a light grin flashing on both their faces. Severide seizes his opportunity in the silence that ensues.

_“Matt, about what I said, I don’t mean for it to create pressure. Nothing has to happen between us, not now, not ever, if it’s not what you want. I just wanted things to be open, the possibilities clear.”_

_“I do, want it, I mean,”_ Matt mutters shyly, _“I don’t want you to think I don’t. I just, need some time. I feel like everything so sudden. I’m supposed to be processing Hallie… instead, I find I can’t concentrate on that and that,”_

_“Makes you feel guilty.”_ Severide completes his thought for him.

_“Yeah,”_ Matt huffs out in guilt and relief.

_“Okay,”_ Severide says with a tone that sums the discussion, _“then, at your pace, whenever you’re ready, or feel like it, or whatever.”_ Suddenly he’s shy himself as his eyes meet Matt’s. _“Will you be okay on your own? I’ll come back in a few hours…”_

_“Yeah, yeah, sure. Whenever,”_ Matt tries to sound nonchalant, afraid suddenly of Severide feeling burdened by his request, _“only if you want to. I’ll be fine also through the-“_

_“Matt,”_ Severide cuts in, _“I want to.”_ he nods in reassurance, trying to catch Casey’s eye, _“I want to.”_


	5. Nightmares

**5 | Nightmares**

_“Severide! Severide! No! Kelly!! Kelly!”_

At 03:00 AM Kelly wakes suddenly to the sound of his own name, screamed at the top of Matt’s lungs.  
As he runs into the room he finds Matt thrashing and jolting in his sleep, yelling his name in anguish. Trying to wake the wailing man, afraid to touch him lest he scares him even more, Kelly stands at the foot of the bed, calling Matt’s name loudly, unsure what else to do.

Eventually, unable to take it anymore, he carefully takes a firm hold of Matt’s shoulders, trying again to wake him. And he succeeds, Matt wakes with a sudden start. Fear and confusion washing over him as he finds himself in his room held down by Severide. He immediately tries to sit up, swinging his legs over the bedside to the floor, Kelly letting go of his grip, only a hand remaining on Matt’s shoulder, both of them panting to get their breathes under control.

_“Matt?”_

_“I dreamt it was you.”_ He mutters as he sits up. _“I dreamt It was you who died in that fire. I saw you lying there but I couldn’t reach you, couldn’t get the metal gate to open. No matter how hard I tried, how many tools I used. I wasn’t strong enough, I couldn’t save you.”_

_“It’s only a dream, Matt, I’m right here.”_ but Matt is so absorbed in trying to recall his dream or talk his fear away, he doesn’t seem to notice.

_“It was Hallie. She started the fire. Like she knew…”_ his eyes now find Kelly’s, and Kelly can see the guilt and fear washing over him _._

_“Matt, we’re not doing anything wrong. You don’t have anything to feel guilty about._ ”

He’s not sure about what he’s about to say but feels he must find a way to relieve the man in front of him from his guilt _. “You said yourself, Hallie knew, somewhere between you guys, she knew. You weren’t being dishonest with her, you just weren’t ready.”  
_ But it seems Matt is lost in thought again, his voice now more stable, his pained eyes directed into Kelly’s.

_“I saw that man that afternoon in the clinic. He came in and scanned the place. I saw him scanning the place. I could’ve stopped him. Why didn’t I stop him? Why didn’t I do anything?”_

Kelly is surprised by the sudden confession but remains determined to release Matt from his ever-growing sense of guilt, past and present occurrences dangerously entwining in Matt’s head.

_“There was no way you could have known Matt. This isn’t your fault. Don’t do this to yourself. Please.”_ But Matt doesn’t seem to hear him, somewhat disconnected from what’s happening around him. _“Matt? You with me? Talk to me.”_

Suddenly realizing the time and the man standing in boxers and a T-shirt in front of him, Matt snaps into consciousness, _“Sorry, I’m okay, you can go back to sleep. I didn’t mean to wake you, sorry,”_

_“God, Matt, stop apologizing. Everything is fine, I don’t mind being up. But I want you to talk to me, you can’t carry this around.”_

_“I’m fine. Don’t worry about it. Thanks though. Go back to bed, I’ll be fine.”_

But Kelly isn’t convinced, he eyes Matt carefully, trying to assess just how thick a mask Matt is hiding behind and how freaked out he really is.

_“Severide, I’m fine. Stop fucking fussing”_ Matt’s voice is non-negotiable, and Kelly doesn’t have a choice but to retreat out of the room.

..

An hour later Kelly wakes again to Matt shrieking and wailing, terrifying cries escaping from him in his sleep.

_“Matt, wake up,”_ this time he doesn’t hesitate to take hold of Matt’s forearms and shoulders as he shakes him awake, Matt’s loud cries sending shivers down Kelly’s spine; he’s either in excruciating pain in his dream or extremely afraid.   
Matt’s eyes open abruptly, his arms going up to grasp Kelly’s collar, it’s like he checks if the other man is really there, real, holding on for dear life.

_“I was falling._ ” he mumbles, _“The most horrible feeling of a bottomless, infinite fall.”_

He slips down to the sit on the floor, his back leaning against the bed, straitening his legs against the wall across from him, trying to ground himself in the tight space between the wall and the bed. Severide positions himself across from him accordingly.

_“I haven’t had this dream since I was sixteen. Since my mother did what she did… killed my dad. I used to dream it every night for months. It was the same dream again. There’s no ground anymore, nothing to hold on to, I just fall and fall. Fuck, I hate that feeling.”_

_“It was just a dream, you’re okay. Nothing’s going to happen to you, I won’t let it.”_

Kelly’s words sound banal and empty in his own ears, he feels useless and incompetent, unable to reassure the trembling man in front of him. They sit there in silence for a moment, Kelly unsure what to do. He can see Matt is completely spent from the lack of sleep and the exertion his nightmares take from him, he wants to console and calm him, give him strength. In truth, he wants to hold him but isn’t sure how Matt will react. He slowly reaches for Matt’s hand, his fingers barely skimming Matt’s fingers on the floor.

_“Would you mind staying with me?”_ Matt’s eyes stuck on their joined hands, his own fingers only lightly responding to Kelly’s touch, his voice so small, if Kelly hadn’t been looking at his lips, he probably would have missed it. He can hear the fear lining Matt’s voice.

“ _I’m not going anywhere, Matt.”_

He gradually increases the contact of their fingers, slowly stroking along Matt’s fingers.

_“I’m sorry, you need sleep, you have a shift in the morning,”_ Matt says after a moment of silence, trying to remove his hand from Kelly’s, hating being a burden on someone else but hating the thought of being left alone to sleep even more _._ But Kelly is quick to catch Matt’s hand in his, keeping it in place.

_“So do you, Matt, you need to sleep, you can’t go on like this.”_  Matt just shakes his head, and Severide can see determination take form as he decides to fight sleep at all costs. _“Matt,”_ but Matt just keeps on shaking his head. _“okay,”_ Kelly gives up, and they sit there silently for a while.

.

_“Hey,”_ Kelly tries again a few long minutes later, _“how about we move this party to the couch? Change the Karma or whatever…”_ he hopes the comfiness of the sofa will subdue Matt to his fatigue, perhaps allow both of them to catch a few hours of sleep before the morning.

At Matt’s silent nod, he gets up on his feet, never breaking contact, helping Matt up. They stand a moment facing each other and Kelly contemplates moving closer to put his arms around Matt, thinking it’s probably better to wait for Matt to initiate further contact. To his surprise, Matt doesn’t break contact either, rather, he lets Kelly lead him by the hand into the living room and to the sofa.

_“I’ll be right back,”_ he whispers as Matt settles into the couch, _“I’ll just make us something to drink.”_

Matt is so tired he’s hardly responsive and while he waits for the milk to boil, Kelly takes the opportunity to change Matt’s sweat-soaking sheets.   
Coming back with two glasses, Kelly finds Matt has moved to sit on the floor at the foot of the couch, leaning against it, the look in his eyes enough to explain what he mumbles at Kelly’s questioning eye.

_“I was getting sleepy.”_

He sounds like a little boy, afraid of what darkness may bring and Kelly’s heart goes out to him as he sets the drink in front of him, sitting next to him shoulder to shoulder, both too tired to speak.

_“Kelly Severide, did you spike my drink?”_ Matt says playfully, savoring the warmth spreading through him with the first sip of his milk.

_“Just something to help you calm down, help you sleep,”_ Kelly says quietly.

“ _I don’t want to sleep.”_ Matt answers, _“where did you find scotch anyway? This house is like a poster-house for prohibition.”_

_“I brought it with me, Matt. Figured we’d eventually want to take the edge off.”_

Matt’s eyebrows shoot up as he hears the words, a worried look spreading on his features, _“Not like that, Matt. God, would you calm down? Talk about a one-track mind…”  
_ They both chuckle at that and a comfortable silence falls.

 

Absentmindedly, Matt raises a hand to rub his shoulder and neck, lack of sleep and the stress of nightmares taking their physical toll on his body.

_“You sore?”_ Kelly inquires, making Matt aware of his action, his hand falling back to his lap.

_“Mmm, just a bit. It’s fine.”_  

_“Here, let me,”_ Kelly says as he climbs on the sofa to sit behind Matt, slowly massaging his neck and shoulders. He can feel Matt tense under his touch.

_“Kelly,”_ Matt’s voice is a tired warning, unsure what Severide’s motives are _._

_“Matt, relax, this is a friendly gesture as they come, nothing is going to happen unless you want it to, okay? Stop worrying about it.”_

He can feel Matt slowly give in and relax, his muscles becoming warm and responsive under Kelly’s fingers.

_“That actually feels pretty nice, Kelly, thank you,”_ Matt says tiredly after a few moments, his head bobbing gently against Kelly’s strong kneading.

_“You’re so tense, it’s actually taking some effort…  I’ll have to stop soon…”_

_“Mmm,”_ Matt mumbles in delirious delight _, “sorry, sure,”_ he adds as an afterthought.

Seeing Matt so calm after the exertion he had earlier tonight, Kelly can’t stop himself; As he finishes the back rub, his hands slowing to a stop on Matt’s shoulders, he lowers his head and lays his lips fluttering against the side of Matt’s neck, kissing it softly.  
Feeling Matt snap to attention, he lifts his head to find Matt’s ear as his hands keep their hold of Matt’s shoulders.

_“Sorry-not sorry, Matt,”_ he whispers, _“I find your neckline incredibly sexy. Always have.”_

Not waiting for Matt’s reaction, he then collapses down on the sofa, laying his head on the armrest. Matt sitting frozen under him, Kelly slowly circles his arm around Matt’s torso, holding him in place against the sofa, before letting his eyes close.

_“I have to catch some sleep, Matt, sorry. You don’t have to sleep, just, don’t go anywhere.”_

Soon after, he falls asleep, snoring ever so lightly in Matt’s ear.


	6. I’ve Never Done This Before

**6 | _I’ve Never Done This Before_**

Kelly wakes up a few short hours later to find Matt in the same place, sleeping, still sitting up, his head resting on the sofa next to Kelly, Kelly’s arm now hanging loosely across his chest. His peaceful features make him look younger and more vulnerable than Kelly has ever seen him, and he fights the urge to stroke Matt’s hair, not wanting to wake him.  
But as he begins to stir, move his muscles in an attempt to wake his aching body, Matt’s hand shoots up to his, holding it in place against his beating heart.

_“Wait, not yet,”_ he mumbles lightly, _“just a few more minutes.”_

Kelly’s not sure how mindful Matt is of what he’s doing, afraid he might be unconsciously confusing him with the intimate morning routines he used to share with Hallie, the thought of Matt’s expression when he discovers the truth, brings an unfamiliar pang to Kelly’s gut.

Choosing ignorance as bliss, he allows Matt to keep hold of his arm, now pressing lightly against Matt chest, his other hand carefully finding its way into Matt’s golden hair, his fingers roaming tenderly against his scalp.

_“Kelly,”_ Matt’s voice is smooth and heavy as if he’s relishing the feeling, _“is this what it’s like to wake with you every morning?”_

At the sound of his name and Matt’s tone, Kelly lets out a sigh of relief he hadn’t realized he’s holding.   
_“Think so, Matt, but I’ve woken with myself since I can remember, don’t really have a choice, why, what’s it feel like?”_

Though Kelly tries to keep a humorful tone, something changes as Matt opens his eyes to find Kelly’s, his gaze radiating sincerity, his tone low and honest.  
 _“Safe.”_

Kelly’s heart skips a beat at his answer, his body tightening just a bit more around Matt, his eyes remaining steady on Matt’s gaze.   
_“You’re safe with me Matt, I’ll never do anything to hurt you. It’s different now, I swear.”_

_“I know. I know. It’s part of who you are, you take care of those you care about, you fight for them relentlessly, it’s part of what…”_ his voice trails off as he’s not sure he’s ready to formulate the words in his mind. Instead, he reaches an unsteady hand to Severide’s face, his fingers curiously running along his features and into his hair.

_“I need to get up, Matt, shower, get ready for work,”_ Kelly says quietly after a few moments, regretting the need to break the moment, _“you, on the other hand, don’t. I changed your sheets last night, go back to bed, try and get some rest.”_

Matt nods in agreement but secretly designs a different plan.   
_“Let me just take a leak before you go in,”_ he says as he gets up from the floor and heads towards the toilet.

_“All yours,”_ he says as he re-enters the living room to find Severide has cleared away the glasses from last night, refolded the throw-over that got rumpled during the night, any hint of the eventful night they’d shared, disappeared.

As Kelly slips into the shower Matt bustles around the kitchen, making coffee and a light breakfast for them to share. It’s basically toast and coffee, but Kelly is pleasantly surprised when he emerges from the steamy bathroom.

_“Is this what it’s like to wake with you every morning?”_ he counters Matt’s question back to him, trying to hint at how he’s feeling.

_“Hmm,”_ Matt nods suggestively, hiding behind his cup of coffee, _“well, maybe not exactly this every morning, but I’ll take care of you.”_

_“Oh yeah?”_ Severide smirks, amused, watching Matt coming closer to him, _“what, you think I don’t take care of_ mys _-”_

Matt’s proximity confuses Kelly, he loses his words and any line of thought as Matt takes the cup from his hand, setting both their cups on the table and plants himself closely against Kelly.

_“I’ve never done this before,”_ he whispers against Kelly’s lips, still holding back.

_“What? Kiss someone you’re interested in?”_ Kelly knows exactly what Matt meant but wants to distract him from stopping himself, _“someone who’s interested in yo-”_

He doesn’t get to finish his thought as Matt closes the tiny remaining gap between them, their lips resting momentarily against each other as they take time to savor the sensation. It’s Matt who then initiates further, delicately parting his lips to take Kelly’s between his, sucking lightly as he tastes hints of coffee and mint and the unique tang that is Kelly Severide.

It’s different than he’d imagined though he can’t seem to remember what his inhibitions ever were. Kelly’s touch and taste send ripples of warmth and excitement through Matt’s body.   
Losing sense of time and space, he lets himself follow the pull to explore the sensations that come as he kisses Kelly. It’s at once new and exploratory and familiar and comforting. Matt can’t explain it to himself, also surprised to find Kelly’s toned masculine features having a physical influence on him he did not expect.

_“Matt,”_ he’s suddenly pulled back into his head, as his name is spoken hesitantly into his own mouth. Severide’s hands holding his head in place, gently caressing his jawline, preventing him from bolting as embarrassment at his own self-abandonment sets in. _  
_

_“Matt,”_ Kelly finds he can’t stop kissing Matt, an ache setting in his chest as Matt comes to a sudden halt at the sound of his name.   
Setting light kisses on Matt’s lips, he slowly pulls back, to look at the man in front of him, both panting lightly, trying to catch their breath and wrap their heads around the mutual experience.

_“Huh,”_ Kelly can’t seem to find words, overwhelmed by his surprise at just how much he enjoyed kissing the man in front of him. It wasn’t just the physical sensation of a kiss, he slowly realizes; There was something about it being Matt.

_“Was that as good for you as it was for me?”_ Matt succeeds to ask shyly through his confusion and Kelly jumps at the opportunity to communicate what he’s feeling, before Matt misreads the situation and freaks out.

_“Yes! God yes. That was….”_ At a loss for words, he can’t help but pull Matt back to him, kissing him again. “Unfortunately,” he says between kisses, not even lifting his head from Matt’s lips. _“I have to go, otherwise I’ll be late. But that was incredible, Matt. I’m glad you felt comfortable enough, and I’d be happy for a recurrence. Something to look forward to during shift.”_ He winks at Matt as he pulls back, watching as Matt’s cheeks fill with color.

_“What am I supposed to do all this time?”_ Matt voices his own concern, though his tone is still light. But Kelly knows his answer will stir the mood back to solemn and serious.

_“Rest, Matt. Take time to process, and write something for tomorrow, I guess.”_

As he expected, a dark cloud flutters over Matt’s face as he takes his words in, nodding hesitantly. He then moves into Kelly’s personal space, putting his arms around him in a slow embrace. Kelly can feel Matt’s attempt to find solace and strength in their contact and he tightens his hold around Matt’s solid figure.

_“Stay safe,”_ Matt mumbles into Kelly’s ear, setting a light kiss against his neck. They both know it’s almost an empty saying, their line of work putting them at times at uncontrollable risks, but the sentiment to say such a thing is new between them and they both take it to heart, allow it to sink in.

_“Will you be alright on your own, or should I call your sister?”_ Severide knows Matt’s answer before he even speaks but wants to make sure and make the offer, remind Matt he’s not alone in this.

_“I’ll be fine, Kelly. Don’t worry,”_ Matt answers as he pulls back from the embrace.

_“Come by 51 for lunch if you feel like it, or dinner, I know everyone will be happy to see you,”_

_“Kelly, I’ll be fine. Go. You’ll be late.”_

Kelly’s not completely satisfied but knows better than to push Matt, it’s not like he can do anything rather than offer his support.   
_“Okay, see you tomorrow morning at the latest then.”_   
With a final look and a squeeze of the shoulder he heads out the door.


	7. No More Guilt

**7 | No More Guilt**

Matt wakes at 8:35 to the terrible buzzing of the doorbell, his head and body heavy with lack of sleep and alcohol. Blinking sleep away in the sudden silence that ensues, he soon understands who’s at the door and gets up to open it. Severide is standing there, an expression of worried anticipation meeting a bleary-eyed Matt, relief washing over him before he registers Matt’s condition.

_“Shit, you look like hell, did you not sleep at all?”_

Matt just grunts and jolts his head for Severide to come in, _“Not much,”_ he mumbles as he turns into the apartment. _“How was your shift?”_ he asks groggily, forcing himself to focus.

 _“Fine. A bit slow, actually. I think maybe Chicago knew you’re off today… didn’t want to bother us if you’re not there. Managed to even sleep a bit during the night…”_ Kelly says as he walks in and takes his jacket off, eyeing the empty cans left on the living-room coffee table, before looking again to reassess Matt’s state in comparison. “ _You okay, Matt? You want to go back to sleep? There are still a few hours before we have to leave.”  
_ He can see Matt wants sleep, needs sleep, but something is keeping him from letting go, he’s fighting to stay standing next to Kelly and Kelly isn’t sure what he’s thinking, what he went through during the last 24 hours or where things actually stand between them now that Matt has had time to think.  _“What is it, Matt, talk to me?”_  

 _“Will you come with me?”_ he says gently, his eyes glued to the floor, a blush creeping up his neck, _“I want to spend the time with you, but, I think I need sleep. Will you come keep me company until I fall asleep?”_  

Kelly can’t help but smile at Matt’s delicate request, he keeps himself from putting his arms around Matt. _“Am I allowed to fall sleep as well?”_ he asks playfully, and Matt’s eyes climb to meet him as he nods in innocent seriousness.  _“Matt,”_ Kelly whispers, taking a step closer to him, _“may I kiss you?”_  

He can see a shy smile spreading on Matt’s lips as the color rises in his cheeks, before it’s quickly replaced by a frown _._ _“I probably have morning breath. Not to mention beer breath,”_ he adds, glancing shamefully at the empty cans. But Kelly doesn’t step away, instead he sets a light kiss on the side of Matt’s nose.

 _“Go brush your teeth then, I’ll meet you in the bedroom.”_ Matt looks at him silently for a moment but then complies and heads to the bathroom.

.

 _“So, what happened here while I was gone? What did you do?”_ Kelly asks as Matt steps into the room to find Kelly lying on the covers on the side Matt hadn’t used, his shoes already off his feet.

Matt shrugs on his way to the bed, sitting heavily on his side, his back to Kelly. _“This and that. Cleaned a bit, tried to write the damn eulogy for today. It got kind of heavy, you saw the result of that in the living room.”_

 _“Were you alone?”_ Matt nods his head, wondering what’s behind Kelly’s question. _“Did you succeed? Did you manage to write something?”_ Kelly asks carefully, not wanting to rub salt on open wounds in case he hadn’t. Matt reaches silently to the drawer in his bedside table, pulling out a sheet of paper, passing it to Kelly, letting his body turn towards him.  _“Oh, I didn’t mean, you don’t have to let me read it,”_

 _“I want to,”_ Matt cuts in, _“I want you to read it.”_

As Kelly carefully takes the letter from him, Matt lies down on his back next to him, closing his eyes. Kelly then proceeds to read quietly for a few moments.

 _“Matt?”_ Kelly whispers when he’s done reading, unsure if Matt’s asleep or not. Matt open his eyes to look at Kelly and for a moment Kelly just drowns in them _. “Do you mean me? What you wrote, do you mean that about me? Us?”_ Kelly knows the answer but is so overwhelmed with emotions, he has to make sure.

 _“Yes,”_ Matt says carefully, _“not only us, but mainly. It’s also what you said the other day, when we were running, I don’t know if you realized it, but you sounded just like her, like Hallie. It’s what she used to say, and I think I’m ready to listen.”_

_“So, no more guilt?”_

_“No more guilt. Not about this anyway.”_

Having read what Matt wrote, Kelly understands the differentiation, not wanting to push this topic any further at the moment. _“Can I kiss you now, Matt?”_

Though he might sound eager and inattentive, Kelly can’t hold back anymore. He finds he’s unable to resist the need to be close to Matt, feeling that between his words, Matt is somehow committing to him, to them. It makes his heart beat faster and his body tremble with excitement, though he’d never realized it was something he wanted.

_“You can stop asking, Kelly, you can do what you want, we’ll figure it out together. If I’m not game with something, I’ll tell you.”_

His words affect Kelly instantly, it’s like something is opened inside him, inhibitions falling back. He turns further toward Matt, who is his still laying on his back, Kelly’s hand going up to Matt’s face, his fingers fluttering along the dark circles under his eyes and down to his mouth, caressing his lips, quickly finding their way down to Matt’s jawline and neck as his lips are taken by Kelly’s lips. This time he’s not held back and subtle. There’s fire in his touch and in his lips, it’s like he’s trying to tell Matt something he can’t put into words. His tongue soon flutters against Matt’s bottom lip, asking for permission to dive inside and Matt grants it in relinquishment, happy to let Kelly lead but apprehensive of his eagerness. To his surprise, feeling Kelly’s tongue against his, he also feels him slow down, calm down, his motions become delicate and soft. It’s perhaps the most tender Matt has ever felt, especially from Severide, and it confuses him to his core and makes him giddy with pleasure. 

Kelly takes his time to discover Matt’s taste and shape and likings, learning his possibilities as his tongue roams and swirls in Matt’s mouth, coaxing Matt’s tongue to join it in a dance. It’s only when Kelly comes up for air, his eyes boring into Matt’s, that Matt realizes Kelly is sprawled against him and he can feel a great deal of Kelly’s weight against his body. But instead of freaking out at the new sensation, he finds it comforting and grounding, a contrast to the lightness that occurred between their lips. That contrast, he realizes, turns him on. The possibility of being rough and solid as well as gentle and caring, of knowing the male body from inside but learning it anew, he finds exciting and curious. But at the same time, this exhilaration scares him, a battle raging through him, between his willing body and his hesitant mind.

 _“I don’t think I’m ready, Kelly, to go any further,”_ he says quietly, still looking into Kelly’s eyes, his voice almost ashamed and Kelly can see a flicker of alarm in his eye.  Kelly nods understandingly and begins to pull away and lift his weight from Matt but is stopped by Matt’s fingers clinging to his shirt and shoulder. _“No, stay.”_ he whispers, _“stay just like that,”_ Kelly can feel Matt tremble with uncertainty under him, _“please.”_

Searching Matt’s eyes to understand what he’s feeling, what he wants, Kelly resigns to stay laying against him, his left hand going up to rest against his cheek. Matt closes his eyes in content, his own hand taking hold of Kelly’s hand against him, while Kelly’s head finds its place on Matt’s shoulder, he soon nuzzles lightly into Matt’s neck, as they lay there, content to let sleep take over.


	8. Eulogy

**8 | Eulogy**

_“So, how do you want to play this?”_ Kelly asks as they sit in the car outside the graveyard, this being their last opportunity to talk before they join the rest of their firehouse and family for the funeral.

_“Casey and Severide,”_ Matt answers dryly, his eyes scanning the parking lot, avoiding Kelly’s. Kelly knows exactly what he means, the use of their last names functioning as code for professionalism. _“Like it’s always been. They won’t think anything of it if we don’t push it.”_

Kelly just nods in agreement. There’s nothing new to Matt’s answer, it’s what he’d expected, but he’s somehow uncomfortable with this decision, somehow disappointed, though he can’t exactly explain it.   
He wants to be able to support Matt, hold him if needed, to let him feel he’s there for him _._

_“Kelly,”_ Matt suddenly breaks the silence, his eyes finding Kelly’s, _“whatever is said today, whatever you hear from other people about Hallie and me, they don’t know. They don’t know what really went on, they don’t know me or how I feel or what I want. I want you. I hate that Hallie had to die for me to realize it, or grow some balls to admit it, but I’m not sorry for telling you, or for what’s happening between us. Don’t let anything that happens today change that, please. I don’t think I can do this without you by my side.”_

Kelly’s hand slips into Matt’s, and he’s quite sure Matt can hear his heart pounding in his chest. _“I’m right here Matt, I’m not going anywhere, I’m in this with you and I don’t mind who knows.”_

_“I know. I’m sorry it has to be like this, but I really can’t explain this to her family right now. It’s too soon. And it’s none of their business and it will only hurt them. It’ll make this day ugly and Hallie deserves better than that. We deserve better than that.”_

_“Casey and Severide, Matt, like you said. Until tonight, when I get to hold you in bed again. Okay?”_

With that Kelly squeezes Matt’s hand, a silent gesture symbolizing a private deal closed between them.

Standing in the rain, as the priest says prayers and blessings, after being greeted and hugged and comforted by everyone, Matt drifts away, lost in thought, not noticing as his name is called for him to read his eulogy. 

Kelly nudges him lightly to get his attention.   _“Casey, you’re up.”_

As he begins to read, taken by emotions and memories, Kelly notices at times Matt strays from what he’s written, talking privately directly to Hallie.   
Standing as close as possible to Matt without it being obvious or awkward, he wishes he could hold Matt.

Only nearing the end, as Matt finds it more difficult to stay together, does he allow himself to put a hand on Matt’s shoulder, pulling him against him for support, his face blank and stern, feigning strength and control as his heart breaks at Matt’s pain.

…

_“Hallie and I, have known each other for a really long time. Even before we were a couple, we were friends. Great friends. Hallie, you were my best friend._

_Hallie and I didn’t have any secrets from each other, not because we decided on it, but because we could read each other without words, we couldn’t hide anything from each other and eventually, we didn’t want to. Hallie, you knew me inside and out, without me having to say a word, you knew what I was thinking and feeling. I’m not sure I’ll ever find someone who’ll be able to know me like you. No one could ever take your place, Hal, I wouldn’t dream of trying._

_But more than she knew me, Hallie knew herself, she knew what she wanted and how to get it. And when she knew, she was a force not to be reckoned with._

_The first day we met, in college, I was sitting on some stairs, minding my own business, when suddenly she came along, demanding to know my name and my major and my opinion about something or other. I didn’t have a clue. “You and I are going to be great friends,” she said with such certainty at the end of that conversation. And when I asked why or how she knows, she simply answered, “because I want to.” And that was it. Hallie, I can’t believe I have to learn to use past tense to talk about you. It just sounds wrong in my mouth._

_Hallie knew what she wanted and what to do to get it, not let anyone or anything stop her on her way. She wanted med school, she wanted a residency, she wanted to help and make a difference and fight against a system that wasn’t good enough. And she did, all of that. Hallie was a doer, a fighter, a moral compass, a great believer. She always tried to get me, teach me, to believe as she did, believe in myself, in the good of this world, to believe I deserve good, to learn to take it, to accept good and fight for what I want._

_I promise you, Hallie, too late, I know, but I promise, I’ll do better to fight for what I want. I won’t wait for things to happen, Hallie, won’t wait till things get taken away from me._

_I’m sorry Hallie, I couldn’t save you, I wasn’t quick enough, wasn’t strong enough, I couldn’t save you, after everything you did for me, I couldn’t save you._

_Hallie, you taught me to live after I’d been a ghost for years. I can never repay you, never tell you again how grateful I am for that. But I won’t forget, Hallie, I promise.  I’ll remember to listen, like you taught me on our white-night-sofa-dates, and laugh like you laughed, and let go on sunny days and picnics. I’ll keep fighting your battle, Hallie, keep believing in the good, and do everything I can to make the world just a little bit better, like you tried to do every day, with every action. I’ll be a light for others as you were for me, Hal, I promise. That’s your legacy, Hallie. I love you.”_

 


	9. Take Me Home

**9 | Take me Home**

Time moves slowly, plates fill and empty, rooms fill and empty, people come and go - hug, console, talk.

Matt knows it can’t have been so long, but it feels like days have gone by in the short afternoon of Hallie’s wake.   
Eventually, he locates Kelly in an empty corridor, coming out of the bathroom.

_“Kelly,”_ his voice is low and weary so only Kelly can hear, and Kelly notices through his surprise the state Matt is in, the exhaustion in his features, _“take me home, please, I can’t take this anymore.”_

_“Okay,”_ he whispers as he puts his hands around Matt, holding him tightly but making sure it remains a comforting friendly gesture as anyone might appear down the hall and see them. Matt, on the other hand, sinks heavily into Kelly’s arms and body, oblivious to anything around him.

At that moment Boden comes into the hall, stopping for a moment to take in his two lieutenants in a strong embrace. A question flutters shortly through his mind but he erases it immediately, _‘it’s grief’_ he tells himself, finding Severide’s eyes in a sturdy look, confirming his notion to himself, he nods once and moves on.

_“Come on, Matt, let's get you out of here,”_ Kelly whispers in Matt’s ear and he can feel Matt’s stature changing, his body taking back his own weight, still holding on to Severide as if he’s absorbing energy from it to keep going. Then he gathers himself and stands up, turning back to walk to the living room, to say his goodbyes.  
Kelly follows silently, staying close as they go from one guest to another, overwhelmed by Matt’s ability to cover everything with a blank mask of strong features, hide his personal state and function unwaveringly. He wonders how many times he’s seen this look on Matt’s face before, not knowing it hides a hurting soul underneath.

It’s only when they sit in the car, almost an hour later, that Matt lets go, lets his exhaustion take over, tears flow silently from his eyes the whole ride home until he falls asleep just moments before they arrive.

_“Matt, Matt, Matti, wake up, we’re here,”_ Severide nudges him lightly in an attempt to wake him up, but Matt jumps startlingly, a look of fear in his eyes.

_“Don’t call me that, not Matti,”_ he mumbles hurriedly as he realizes where he is. _“it’s what my mom used to call me, before…. I hate that name, don’t call me that.”_

Severide is taken aback by Matt’s sudden strong reaction but understands as Matt starts speaking, kicking himself for being so insensitive, though there was no way he could have known.   
Matt’s sleeping beside him in the car had looked so young and vulnerable, he wanted to be as close as possible, even the intimate use of first names between them didn’t feel close enough. Evidently, he’d chosen the wrong nickname.  
 _“Sorry.”_ He says gently, _“We’re here, let’s get you in the shower and then you can go to sleep.”_

Matt nods absentmindedly, slowly pulling himself up and out of the car.   
By the time he’s out, Kelly is already beside him, walking close to him as they proceed into the building, feeling how Matt’s emotional instability translates into a physical one.

As they enter the apartment, Kelly leads Matt directly to the bathroom, _“You okay to take it from here? I’ll make some tea,”_ he says as he walks out, leaving Matt on his own.

About ten minutes later, busy in the kitchen, Kelly realizes that not only has Matt not showed up, he hasn’t heard the sound of running water yet at all. He goes back to the bathroom door, knocking lightly and calling Matt’s name, opening the door carefully when he hears no answer.

_“Matt?”_

He finds Matt sitting on the closed toilet seat, still fully clothed, staring into space.

_“_ _Matt? You okay?”_ he tries again, now kneeling directly under Matt trying to get his attention.

Matt slowly focuses on him, his look lost and confused.

_“Come on, Matt, let’s get you in the shower,”_ Kelly says, standing up to turn the water on and adjust the temperature. _“Come on,”_ he says gently again as he returns to stand in front of Matt, his fingers at the hem of his shirt and he pulls it lightly over his head. _“Can you stand up, Matt?”_ Kelly asks, beginning to worry at Matt’s apathetic state.

As Matt rises, his eyes find Kelly’s and a soft cry escapes his lips as his voice breaks, _“She’s gone.”_

_“I know, Matt, I’m sorry,”_ Kelly mumbles back softly, guiding Matt into his arms, holding on tightly as Matt cries on his shoulder.

But after a few moments in which they stand like that, something changes. Matt’s head slowly rises from Kelly’s shoulder, finding its way to nuzzle into his neck, he sets light kisses along his neck and jawline, his hands become frantic, pulling Kelly’s shirt over his head to expose his broad shoulders and chest. Without raising his eyes to Kelly, Matt’s lips find his skin again as he showers kisses along Kelly’s shoulders, neck, and collarbone, his arms circling around Kelly’s torso, desperately fluttering all over his exposed body as he brings their bodies together.

_“Matt, what are you doing?”_

Kelly voices his surprise, unsure of how conscious Matt is of his actions, afraid he’d do something he’s not ready for and end up regretting it.   
That thought brings a sour taste to Kelly’s mouth. Matt continues without answering, still not looking at Kelly, his breathing erratic. But Kelly stays calm, his hands grabbing at Matt’s upper arms, holding him back, his eyes searching for his as Matt struggles to get close again.

_“Please don’t turn to sex to avoid dealing with whatever it is you’re going through,”_ Kelly’s words are calm but Matt can hear a subtle anguish lining his voice, taking him by surprise, he now raises his eyes to Kelly’s, listening to him. _“It’s what I’m used to, it’s what almost every woman I’ve slept with has done, hell, it’s what I’ve done for years. But it’s not what I want, not with you, I want it to be different with you, Matt.”_

Kelly’s words come to Matt like a cold shower. Somewhere between Kelly’s tone and the grip of his arms he loses the ability to hear what Kelly’s actually saying, a broken look washing over his face as false realization falls over him. He folds his limbs back into himself, taking a step back from Kelly, standing in front of him closed and ashamed. Kelly notices the sudden change, realizing something just went horribly wrong.

_“Matt?”_

_“You don’t want me,”_ Matt lets out quietly, his voice devastated, _“I get it.”_

_“God, Matt, no,”_ Kelly says as his hand go to grab Matt again, _“you don’t get it at all,”_ he now turns them both, pushing Matt gently against the wall, trying to prove a point, pushing his groin against Matt, letting him feel the effect Matt’s actions have had on him. _“Of course I want you, Matt, you have no idea.”_

_“But you just said,”_ Matt’s so confused, trying to recall Kelly’s words but gives up as he feels Kelly’s erection through the denim of their jeans, Kelly’s lips meet his in a fierce kiss.

_“Tell me you want me this, Kelly, please, tell me you want me.”_ He says through their kiss.

Kelly’s surprised at Matt’s small broken voice, as his fears voice themselves in the heat of the moment.  
 _“I want you, Matt. I want you.”_ Kelly seemingly gives in, his voice ragged with desire, his hand on both sides of Matt’s body against the wall, holding him in place, his own body flush against him, his lips kissing every bit of skin he can reach.   
Slowly he slows thing down, his tongue finding Matt’s again, pulling gradually back until his lips graze Matt’s, delicately driving him insane.

_“Listen to me, Matt,”_ Kelly begins again after softly bringing the kiss to an end, his body still pinning Matt against the wall. _“I want you, I promise. Ever since the hospital, even before if I’m absolutely honest with myself. I want you. I want to show you what you mean to me, and learn with you what it can be like for the both of us. But I want you to be with me when we do this, I don’t want it to be you running away from things. So, tonight, I’m going to help you shower and then I’m going to take you to bed and I’m going to hold you, so you’ll feel you’re not alone in this. I know you’re hurting, Matt, you need to hurt, you need to allow room for it, and I’ll be right there with you. I’m right here.”_ With that he finds Matt’s eyes again, waiting for his response.

_“You’re amazing,”_ Matt whispers, tears filling his eyes.

_“Nah,”_ Kelly whispers, _“not really. But it’s good you think so.”_


	10. You Can’t Take It Back

**10 | _You Can’t Take It Back_**

_“Where are you going?”_ Kelly mumbles heavily as he feels Matt’s body shifting away from him.

_“Shit, Kelly, don’t you ever sleep?”_

Matt had tried to pull back as steadily and quietly as possible, not wanting to disturb Kelly, somewhat embarrassed as memories from last night filled his head as he woke up. The proximity to Severide, sleeping beside him, suddenly feeling uncomfortable, the feeling of rejection hitting him again as images of himself throwing himself at Kelly flicker through his mind, replaced by shame as Kelly held his naked body in the shower and helped him later to bed, holding him tightly as Matt wept silently, feeling the energy seeping out of him as he let the pain of Hallie’s death take over.

It hadn’t been his best night, definitely not the impression he wanted to make on someone he’s interested in. Kelly, through all this, was a perfect gentleman, a rock to lean on, as well as extremely sensitive and tender. Matt has never experienced such a mixture of traits in one person and doesn’t know how to face Kelly now it’s all over. He now turns his head, to find Kelly still with his eyes closed.

_“Mmmm, just not like a rock at the bottom of the sea, like someone I know. Where are you going? It’s early.”_

_“To the toilet, jeez.”_ Matt gets up to leave the bed and the room, kicking himself for his irritated, ungrateful tone. Kelly doesn’t deserve it, but his calmness throws Matt deeper into his disgrace.

_“Bring some mouthwash back with you and a cup,”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because I’m dead horny and I want to make love to you,”_ Kelly says as if it’s the most evident, trivial thing in the world, his voice still heavy with sleep.

Hearing Matt gasp loudly, he opens his eyes to find Matt frozen in place, questions running across his face.

Matt’s not sure if he’s heard correctly, or, if Kelly’s joking or laughing at his expense. Though it wouldn’t make any sense and he can’t see anything but candor in his eyes. But then it also doesn’t make sense that he’d said what Matt had thought he’d said. Especially not after last night. Matt is kind of still wrapping his mind around Kelly having stayed and not bolted to the hills.

_“What freaked you out, Matt? The offer or the title?”_ but Matt just stares at him, stuck in place, his eyes huge, _“would it make a difference If I called it something else? If I’d said I want to have sex with you?”_

_“You can’t take it back,”_ Matt mumbles seriously, feeling suddenly like his drowning at the thought of Kelly not meaning the words he’d said.

_“I’m not, Matt, come back and I’ll show you.”_

 

Ten minutes later, Matt has yet to come back, Kelly gets up heavily and goes looking for him, finding him, eventually, sat again on the closed toilet seat.

_“Matt?”_ Kelly tries, still groggy from sleep and somewhat impatient to Matt’s reaction.   
Matt was so ready yesterday, yet today he’s back to being hesitant and closed. Kelly had known to not let things get out of hand the night before, feeling Matt was unready and overwhelmed. Yet, he somehow thought daylight would bring a clearer, more positive change than the reaction he had got. Maybe he had jumped the gun, maybe Matt wasn’t ready after all. There was just so much hot & cold Kelly could deal with this early in the morning. 

_“Can you get up? I need to use the john.”_

Matt stands up absentmindedly, switching places and sitting on the edge of the tub behind Kelly, clandestinely peaking at Kelly’s actions out of the corner of his eye.

Relieving himself, his back to Matt, Kelly finds the energy to control his tone and explain again. _“Look, Matt, I’m sorry. Somehow after yesterday, I thought you were ready, if you’re not, just forget I said anything. I’ll go back to sleep on the cou-”_

_“I am.”_ Matt answers all of a sudden, cutting into Kelly’s words, the confusion in his voice evident, as though the confession itself surprises him.   
_“I am ready, Kelly. I want this, I want you.”_ his eyes rise to find Kelly’s as Kelly turns to wash his hands, Kelly's eyes not leaving Matt as he fumbles for the faucet and the soap and the towel.

Kelly bows his head for a moment, trying to overcome a feeling of excitement rushing through him and Matt misreads it as impatience, a panicked feeling of rejection flashes through him again and he tries desperately to make things right. 

_“I’m sorry about last night, Kelly,”_ Matt says in a small voice, _“I was all over the place. It wasn’t fair. Thank you for everything you did, I don’t know how to-”_

Kelly turns to look at him shortly, seeing his distress.  
“Don’t worry about it, Matt, I told you I’d be here for you, I’m happy to be here, happy I could help. Now let’s forget about it and focus on the task at hand,” he smiles at his own joke, his eyes sparkling as he takes both their toothbrushes, smearing them with toothpaste, handing Matt his.  
It’s a silent peace offering, a joint ceremony of preparation for something they both want.

As they watch each other brushing, a spark ignites, their bodies and minds heating towards each other, they can’t help but smile.   
Getting up to wash his mouth, Matt brushes bluntly against Kelly, who’s just finished washing. It’s like a magnetic force pulling him out of himself and towards Kelly.

_“It’s this room, isn’t it,”_ Kelly teases into Matt’s ear as he hands him the towel to dry his face and hands _, “there’s something about this bathroom that turns you on, Matt.”_

But Matt shakes his head as he takes the towel, his tone somber but his eyes dance with anticipation, _“It’s you, Kelly Severide, both yesterday and today, it’s you that turns me on.”_

_“Yeah?”_ Kelly says, smiling as he leans in to catch Matt’s lips in a delicate kiss, his hands resting on the sink behind Matt, engulfing Matt with his body.

Letting Matt set the pace of their tongues, Kelly’s arms move to Matt’s back, pressing Matt’s body against his, as his hands caress and roam along his back, lifting his t-shirt slowly up his back and over his head, Matt using the break needed to free his head to pull at Kelly’s shirt, bringing him to be as exposed as him. They take a moment to appreciate each other’s bodies before Kelly takes Matt by the hand.

_“Come on, I don’t want to do this here, come to bed,”_ Kelly takes a small moment to read Matt’s reaction, a rush of relief and excitement wash through him as Matt nods and turns to lead Kelly out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, pulling him against him as they reach the edge of the bed, the force of Matt’s tug makes Kelly bump lightly into him, making both of them laugh.

_“You’re beautiful, Matt,”_ Kelly whispers as his hands find their way across Matt’s torso and up to his neck, bringing Matt’s lips back to meet his own. Kelly’s lips then move to shower Matt’s face and hair and ears and neck with small butterfly kisses, as his arms move to rest on his backside.

_“So are you, Kelly,”_ Matt pants breathlessly between the kisses he sets along Kelly’s neck and collarbone, sucking at it lightly.   
 _“I’ve been in love with you since forever, I’ve been so stupid to wait so long.”_

_“Shhhh,”_ Kelly takes Matt’s lips in his again, drowning his line of thought with passion.

_“Kelly,”_ Matt whispers as his hand finds Kelly’s hand, bringing it to flutter above Matt’s erection before letting it rest at the seam of Matt’s boxers, his eyes finding Kelly’s eyes in a delicate question.

Kelly takes Matt’s lips again as his hand slides under his boxers, an uncontrollable grunt of pleasure escapes Matt’s lips as Kelly caresses his erection, his hands moving to cup Kelly’s buttocks to pull him closer.

_“Lie down for me, Matt,”_ Kelly says gently, helping Matt down to the bed, pulling Matt’s boxers off as he furthers himself up the bed. Kelly then comes to lie against Matt, his fingers still stroking him, while his tongue trails along his bare torso and down his abdomen, stopping to find Matt’s eyes as his lips reach the thin hairline leading down to his groin. He can see a pained look flash through Matt’s eyes at the sudden absence of his lips.

Matt’s hand reaches to find Kelly’s head, stroking the hair he can reach.   
 _“Don’t stop Kelly, don’t stop,”_ he mutters, his voice strained, consumed by desire, before his hand unconsciously finds its way to his own erection, to continue what is lost.   
Kelly quickly grabs his hand, moving it away, intertwining their fingers to hold it in place, ready to keep going, take Matt in his mouth.   
_“I want this, you, us, this”_ Matt keeps mumbling confusedly, his fingers gripping at Kelly’s back as Kelly set kisses along his penis, his tongue driving Matt into a crazed haze of pleasure.

 


	11. Two Steps Forwards One Step Back

**11 | Two Steps Forwards One Step Back**

_“Where are you going?”_

Severide pulling his body away from him, brings Matt back from its wandering, objecting to the change and missing the contact.  
He’d been laying there for a while, his eyes closed but his mind reeling, trying to console his heart and mind and get a grip on what he was feeling.   
It’d been a long time since he’d felt so physically content, knowing it had to do with sentiment as well (the reason why one-night stands had never been the answer for him), but he can’t help feeling guilty; It’d only been a few days since Hallie’s death. He keeps trying to tell himself Hallie would have been happy for him if he’d have ever succeeded to put it into words and tell her how Kelly makes him feel. But a voice keeps popping up in his mind, laughing at him, sarcastically counting the days between him falling apart in the hospital corridor and him falling into bed with Severide. Six. That’s what his great love for Hallie could hold, six days.

_“Take a leak, I’ll be right back.”_ Kelly answers drowsily as he gets up, _“Then we’ll think of breakfast. I’m starving.”_

Having woken up extremely early before, they were now leisurely lying in bed at mid-morning. But when he comes back from the toilet, Kelly can see Matt’s pained expression as his thoughts are miles away. Apprehensive to hear Matt’s reaction to their shared experience in case it wasn’t good for him, he also feels responsible and knows Matt too well to let him overthink it into a disaster.

_“Casey?”_

Matt’s worried eyes shoot back to Kelly, still standing beside the bed in his boxers.

_“Why are we back to last names, Kelly?”_ he says, worry lining his voice and Kelly breathes a little easier.

_“I don’t know, you seemed so far away, I wasn’t sure… you wanna talk about it?”_

Matt looks at him for a moment solemnly before speaking, a heavy sigh leaving his lungs, _“Yeah, I do, actually, but-”_

_“It wasn’t good for you.”_ Kelly states bitterly as a way to protect himself from Matt’s reaction and Matt stares at him dumbfounded.

_“No, No,”_ he says hurriedly when realization sinks in, hearing then the duality of his words, _“I mean, it was good for me, it was really good, Kelly, it was wonderful for me actually, can you…”_ he takes a moment to breath and Kelly can feel his hesitance. _“Can you, maybe, do me a favor and, it’s kind of weird, I know, but can you…”_

_“What is it, Matt? Just spit it out, whatever it is,”_

_“Come here,”_ Matt extends his hand towards Kelly, pulling him onto the bed, _“can you, like, lay on top of me for a moment, I know it’s weird, but it will really help me, just to feel your weight, please.”_

_“God Matt, it’s not that weird, you had me scared there for a moment,”_ Kelly says as he climbs to lay between Matt’s legs, pulling himself up to kiss Matt gently, Matt hands coming up to cup his face, clinging to the kiss almost desperately.   
_“I’m happy to lie between your legs.”_ he jokes lightly before he nudges himself back down, placing his chin on his flat hand on Matt’s chest. He can feel Matt’s insecurity, sees him closing his eyes and fighting to keep his composure, his hands roaming strongly through Kelly’s hair.  _“What’s going on Matt, talk to me,”_

_“I can’t explain it, Kelly,”_ Matt says holding back tears, one arm going up to cover his eyes _“that was perfect, it was, it was beautiful, I’m not sorry we did it and I’m curious for us to take it even further, but…”_ Kelly knows exactly what’s coming, even before Matt continues, his voice breaking.  _“Hallie. I can’t shake the feeling I’m betraying her, like I’m doing something wrong. How can it feel so good and so bad at the same time, Kelly?”_

Kelly doesn’t have a direct answer, instead, he climbs back up Matt’s body, sinking his head against Matt’s neck, his arm encircling Matt’s head, holding him tightly in comfort.

_“We are not wholly bad or good, Matthew_ ,” he says quietly into his ear, hoping Matt will understand what he means, _“things are more complicated than that, we are more complicated than that, it’s why we can also, eventually, come out of complicated situations. You’re allowed to feel what you feel, you’re allowed to be confused and I’m sorry it hurts. I’m sorry it hurts, Matt.”_

_“You read Dylan Thomas?”_ Matt can’t hold in his surprise as he takes in what Kelly just said. Kelly raises his eyes to find Matt’s.

_“Yeah, sometimes, so?”_

_“Nothing, I’m just surprised, that’s all.”_

They lay there in silence for a moment, before Kelly tries to bring the conversation back. _“She wasn’t your fiancé, Matt,”_

_“No, she wasn’t. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t love her,”_

_“This doesn’t mean that either, Matt. Not because she’s gone, but because you felt it even when you had the chance to be with her.”_

_“Mmm,”_ Matt nods lightly, thinking over Kelly’s words. _“I know you’re right, it’s just not that immediate for me. It doesn’t cancel how I feel.”_

_“I get that. Tell me what you need, and I’ll do it, Matt. We’ll take it at your pace. And if you decide you don’t want this, then-“_

_“I do,”_ Matt shifts his weight suddenly, rolling Kelly under him and kissing him lengthily like he’s trying to prove a point.   
_“You called me Matthew,”_ he says, surprised, as he raises his head to look Kelly in the eye.

  _“Yeah, thought I’d try it out, see how it feels.”_

_“I like it.”_ Matt smiles warmly at Kelly, his dimples showing, “ _Nobody calls me Matthew,”_ he says pensively _, “nobody but you.”_

Needless to say, they didn’t get up then either, their bodies and proximity providing much more interesting occupation than any other need they might have had.


	12. 3 Conversations

**12 | 3 Conversations**

_“I think we should go out,”_ Severide says suddenly as they prepare a very late breakfast _._

 _“Out?”_ Matt echoes his last word, not understanding, _“now?”_

_“No, Matt, out like on a date. How about tomorrow night? Thought it might be good to meet the world before shift on Monday, what do you think?”_

_“A date?”_ Matt is still having a hard time wrapping his head around Kelly’s offer.

_“Yes, Matt, a date. It’s what people do, you know, couples, to spend time together, to get to know each other, do I really need to explain the concept of dating to you?”_

_“Kelly, we already know each other, we’ve known each other for like, 10 years,”_

_“12.”_

_“12, see? How about I just cook for you here?”_ A flash of worry crosses Matt’s face and Kelly gets the feeling he’s trying to avoid something by offering to stay in.

_“Well, I think there is a lot you don’t know about me, Matt, I’d be happy for the opportunity to show you, and for the opportunity to learn new things about you.”_

_“We can do that here,”_ Matt responds hurriedly, wincing as he knows Kelly would notice something is wrong.

_“It’s not like we can stay inside this apartment forever, Matt. What’s this really about?”_

_“It’s… I’m being silly, never mind. we can go out if you want,”_ he says quietly but Kelly can feel he’s compromising something important.

_“Don’t do that Matt, I don’t want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but I can’t know it if you don’t tell me. Now, what is it?”_

_“I just, I hate being looked at, judged. I grew up constantly being looked at, ‘the kid who doesn’t have any parents’, or ‘the kid whose mother killed his father’, even at the academy I was the guy whose mother was in jail. I just, don’t want to be looked at, you know?”_

_“But you and Hallie went out all the time.”_

_“Yeah, but we were normal.”_

_“Excuse me?”_ Kelly is so surprised he has to remind himself to calm down and let Matt explain himself, before jumping to conclusions.

_“I don’t mean, sorry Kelly, just, we’ll be looked at as a gay couple, people will look. Don’t pretend that they won’t.”_

_“And that bothers you? To be considered gay?”_

_“It doesn’t bother you?”_ Matt avoids answering by asking, suddenly feeling insecure and stupid. He knew this conversation would eventually come, he just hadn’t planned for it to come so soon. Maybe he was just kidding himself.

_“I don’t care what other people think, Matt. I don’t let other people define me or decide for me what I am and am not.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“Only you can decide what you are, Matt. You get to define for yourself if you’re straight or gay or bi or whatever. It’s not other people’s business, it’s not for other people to have a say. It only matters how you define it for yourself. And if you don’t want to define yourself, that’s also fine. It’s about what you feel and what you want, not about anybody else.”_

_“I don’t feel gay,”_ Matt says innocently, looking for words.  _“I don’t feel any different than I did before. I just, I’m in love with you, it’s just about you, who you are, not about you being a man. That’s kind of a weird coincidence, I think.”_

Kelly finds Matt words and puzzled expression incredibly cute and can’t help but take a step closer toward Matt, smiling.  _“You’re lovely when you’re confused, Matthew.”_ He says quietly, kissing Matt lightly.  _“Tell you what, we can cook here together and then go out for a beer, two guys out for a drink isn’t so weird, is it?”_

 _“No, it isn’t,”_ Matt answers pensively, his voice still small, “ _I’m sorry, Kelly, I’ll get better at this, I promise.”_

_“Come on Matt, let’s eat.”_

_._

_“What do you want to do about shift?”_ Kelly asks after a while as they sit at the table, having finished eating.

_“I don’t know, nothing. Didn’t think we have to tell them.”_

_“We don’t, but,”_

_“I thought it could be Casey and Severide, like we agreed at the funeral. You know the CFD frowns upon inter-house relations.”_

_“And what about after, Matt? What about when we sit at Molly’s for a drink? Will I be allowed to kiss you? To hold you? To touch you?”_

_“I, I don’t know, Kelly, I hadn’t thought that far,”_

_“I’m not hiding this Matt. It’s not who I am, not the way I go about things.”_ He doesn’t mean to push Matt, but suddenly he can’t hold back, something about their conversation making him impatient and agitated.

_“I know, I didn’t mean-”_

_“And I’m not ashamed of it either, Matt. I get the CFD part, but when we’re off shift, we’re our own keepers. I get to be free in my downtime and that includes being able to be close and intimate with whomever I’m seeing. Don’t ask me to go into a closet, and don’t put yourself in one either.”_

_“I’m not, I’m not, I just, they’ll all look at us differently.”_

_“They’re our friends Matt, you have to trust they’ll be happy for us. Yes, they’ll be surprised for a day and then the next thing will come along, and they’ll forget about it. And if they can’t except it, screw ’em.”_

_“I wish it was that simple, Kelly.”_

_“It is.”_

_“No, it isn’t, Kelly, not for me. These people are my family. They’re basically the only family I’ve got. I don’t know if I’m ready to risk that.”_

_“You don’t trust people, do you?”_

_“No, not easily, anyway. The perks of having my experiences as a kid. Trusting people is not my default anymore.”_

_“Okay, I get that, just, think about it. ‘cause after 24 hours of not being allowed to touch you, I don’t know I’ll be able to hold myself back,”_ Kelly says smirking.

 _“Well we’re not going to Molly’s at 8:00AM, are we? We’ll have all day for replenishment.”_ Matt says and his eyes sparkle _. “Speaking of which,”_ he then bends over to kiss Kelly, pulling him up with him to a stand, bringing their bodies together.

It’s the most confident Matt has been in their physical encounters and Kelly has to fight between the need to pull back and the want to be swept away with him.

 _“Mmmm, Matt,”_ he mumbles through their kiss, his hands encircling tighter around Matt, pressing their bodies against each other. _“God, you’re so incredibly sexy, but I can’t do this now, I have to go.”_

 _“No, you don’t,”_ Matt says, not stopping, his lips sucking lightly at Kelly’s collarbone, trailing kisses to his ear, his hands finding their way under his shirt _._

 _“Yes, Matt, I do. Stop, Matt!”_ a small laugh leaves his lips as he stops Matt from slowly going down along his body, Matt’s hands finding their way to Kelly’s penis. Kelly’s taken by surprise at Matt’s eagerness and sudden boldness. _“I wish I could stay, I wish I could let you do that, right here in the kitchen,”_ he says as he kisses Matt again, holding his hands spread away from their bodies, _“but I have to go. I promised Shay I’d help her with something and I can’t bail out of it. If it was anything or anyone else I would, but it’s Shay and I can’t.”_

 _“When will I see you again?”_ Matt gives in, looking into Kelly’s eyes.

_“Tomorrow night? For our date?”_

_“What?! You’re leaving me with this for an entire day and a half?!”_ he feigns distress as he brings Kelly’s hand to feel his erection through his boxers, but before Kelly can respond, Matt’s expression suddenly becomes serious as a thought comes to his head, he pushes Kelly’s hand away.

 

_“Is this because of the conversation we just had?”_

Kelly’s taken by surprise at the way Matt’s mind works.  _“No Matt, of course not. What, you think I’d punish you by not seeing you because I wasn’t happy with the way a conversation went?”_ he stares into Matt's eyes, but Matt doesn’t answer.   
_“First of all, it’s not the way I roll. If something is bothering me, I talk about it. Secondly, everything is okay between us. We’ll figure it out together. I’m going because I have to go, not because I want to. Believe me, you’d know if I were upset about something, I promise you that. No guessing games with me, okay?"_

 _"Okay?”_ He adds again when Matt doesn’t answer, waiting until Matt nods silently.

 _“Come here,”_ Kelly pulls him in for another kiss, trying to reassure him back to feeling comfortable. _“You wanna watch me get dressed? I promise to do it really slow and sexy…”_ he smirks on Matt’s lips and they both chuckle into each other’s mouths, stumbling to the bedroom, their bodies still entwined, and their lips still connected.


	13. This Is Date Night

**13 | This Is Date Night (Part I)**

Late on Sunday afternoon, Matt opens the door to find Kelly standing in the hallway.

 _“Hi,”_ he can’t help but smile, a rush of happiness going through his body, all worries that had been eating through him throughout the day vanish in a second.

But Kelly has a disappointed frown on his face, _“That’s what you’re wearing?”_ Kelly says bluntly before he can control his tone.

 _“Uh...”_ Matt suddenly feels self-conscious and inadequate, the look in Kelly’s eyes affecting him more than he’d ever thought possible.

 _“This is a date, Matt.”_ , Kelly smiles softly as he tries to undo some of the stress he’s created. _“Tell you what, I have to go buy something I forgot. You have time to change. I’ll be back in… 12 minutes and we’ll start this again. Okay?”_   
Matt nods silently and Kelly can see he’s confused and distraught. _“Hey, Matthew,”_ Kelly whispers as Matt begins to close the door, his hand stopping the door from closing, _“12 minutes, yeah?”_

Exactly 12 minutes later, there is a knock on the door. This time, Matt’s anxiety from Kelly’s reaction as he opens the door prevents him from smiling. Kelly can see Matt’s bewilderment as he stands at the door, holding a single flower in his hand, a yellow Tulip.  
But Kelly is just as surprised at the sight of a now showered Matt, wearing a complimenting pair of dark jeans and an immaculately starched white shirt, a strong contrast to his sun-kissed skin.   
Having missed a button, his toned chest peaks through his shirt just a tad more than appropriate, sending an overwhelming buzz through Kelly’s body and mind.

 _“Matthew,”_ he whispers breathily, unable to help himself but Matt’s eyes are still filled with worry. They stand in an awkward silence for a moment. _“May I come in?”_ Kelly finally asks, trying to wake Matt from his stupor and bring things back to normal.  
Matt just moves aside, allowing Kelly to step inside and Kelly stands at his side as Matt closes the door _._

 _“I’m not complaining,”_  Kelly says as he caresses Matt’s bare chest with the tip of the flower. _"but you seem to have missed one,"_   
Matt’s fingers snapping into action to close the unnoticed button.

_“Matt, come on, I’m sorry if it came out a bit harsh, I just wanted tonight to be special. And I’m kind’a glad I did because you look… I’m not sure I’ll be able to let you out that door later and share you with the world.”_

 Finally, something gets through and Matt’s lips slowly curl into a bashful smile, a blush creeping up his neck. _“A bit presumptuous for a first date, aren’t you, Kelly?”_ Matt answers, cocking an eyebrow, a mischief grin revealing his dimples.

 _“Touché,”_ Kelly laughs lightly, and the mood relaxes. _“For you,”_ Kelly says as he hands Matt the flower.

_“A yellow Tulip?”_

_“Yeah,”_ Kelly seems suddenly unsure, “ _I’ll explain later. So, what are we cooking?”_

_“What are we drinking, first, we got beer, we got wine, we got scotch, as you already know,”_

_“Wow, Matt, what happened to poster house for prohibition?”_

_“You’re not the only one that wanted to make this night special, Kelly,”_ they smile at each other warmly, forgetting their point for a moment _._

 _“A beer, Matt, I’ll have a beer,”_ Kelly says gently, eventually pulling himself from Matt’s eyes. He follows Matt to the kitchen, where Matt pulls a cold beer from the fridge, handing it to Kelly.   
_“I just realized something,”_ Kelly says, his voice deep and playful _, “with all the misunderstanding at the door, we completely forgot something really important.”_

 _“Oh yeah? What’s that?”_ Matt has a feeling he already knows but lets Kelly lead, wanting to see if they’re on the same page.

Kelly puts both their beers down on the counter, stepping into Matt’s personal space, _“This,”_ he says quietly, his hands comes up to Matt’s face as his lips find Matt’s, pulling them to a slow, long, delicate kiss.

 _“Hi,”_ Kelly says as they come up for air, his elbow now resting on Matt’s shoulder, his forearm framing Matt’s head, his fingers lightly stroking his hair, he leans his forehead against Matt’s as they catch their breath.

 _“I actually started with ‘Hi’”_ Matt encounters playfully.

_“True. Do I need to apologize again?”_

_“Nah, come on, I’m hungry…”_ Matt pecks Kelly lips lightly as they untangle from each other and turn to make themselves busy.

 

_“So, what are we making?”_

_“You will be making the salad, while I finish the spinach cannelloni.”_  

_“Wow, I thought we were going for something easy like steaks on the grill. I didn’t know you cook, Matt.”_

_“Yeah, well...”_

_“Where did you learn how to make cannelloni? Isn’t that like a secret Italian family recipe thing?”_

_“Yeah, kind of, maybe.”_ Matt smiles bashfully, focusing harder on the food he’s preparing.

“ _Come, on, Matt, tell.”_

Matt looks up from what he’s doing, looking at Kelly as if assessing him to be trustworthy, _“You know that Italian place on 64 th street?” _

_“Mhmm, you mean Luca’s? Yeah, I’ve been,”_

_“Did you ever meet the owners? Well, I was kind of their long-lost son for a while there, you could say,”_ Kelly’s eyes sparkle in wonder as he waits to hear the story. _“When I was a kid, like really young, when my parents were still together, we had this tradition for birthdays; whoever had a birthday would get to choose a restaurant. And I always chose Luca’s. At that time, they had a piano in the main room and this really old musician would play the piano._

 _“But he’d be there only on odd days, I think. I remembered I used to check like months before what day my birthday fell on, to see if it would be a day he’d be playing. And then, when we’d get there, I’d tell my mom what to order for me and I stand next to him and watch him play._ _It was like magic, his fingers would float on the keys, I swear he wouldn’t even touch them and music would come out. And it was the coolest music I’ve ever heard. I was mesmerized. Eventually, my parents would get pissed that I wasn’t spending any time with them and call me back to the table._

_“I later learned that the piano player was, actually, Luca himself. His son owns the place and he and his wife do the cooking. They basically opened it so he’d have a place to play when they brought him from Italy to the States. God, I haven’t been there in ages.”_

_“We can go for your birthday,”_ Kelly says, unable to take his eyes off Matt, enthralled by the change in Matt’s demeanor as he tells a rare good memory from his youth. _“if you want, of course,”_ Kelly adds, suddenly anxious his offer is pushy or inappropriate, unsure how Matt will respond to having shared such private information about himself.

 _“I’d like that,”_ Matt nods and smiles, his eyes finding Kelly’s.

 _“That still doesn’t explain the Cannelloni,”_ Kelly says, encouraging Matt to go on. He never wants Matt to stop.

_“Ah, well, years later, around the time of the academy, I guess, I went there again one day and asked about the piano player. Max, the owner, told me he’d passed away a few years back but he was so touched that someone still knew Luca that he asked me to tell him the story I just told you. Anyway, one thing led to another, I ended up telling Max my story, and then ended up there, like, on a weekly basis. He kind of grew to be family.  
One year they invited me to do Christmas with them and Max snuck me into the kitchen and taught me how to make Cannelloni. I think they were hoping I’d fall in love with the kitchen and want to take over the place, but…”_

_“You made this from scratch?! How long have you been working on this?”_

_“Uh, it’s not that hard, the dough just needs time to breath, so I did it during the day around other things.”_ Again, his eyes wander and avoid Kelly, he finishes wrapping the dish and puts it in the oven, checking the temperature.

_“Now I really do feel like an idiot for criticizing your wardrobe choice.”_

_“No, don’t worry about it, you were right, it is nicer like this.”_

Matt comes to stand next to Kelly, his shoulder brushing against him as he helps him finish making the salad. They work in silence for a while until they’re done.

 _“We have some time now until the food will be ready, you want to sit?”_ Matt asks, careful that his voice doesn’t betray his excitement at their proximity.

 

 _“Can I ask you a question?”_ Matt’s asks as they set themselves on the couch and Kelly can hear misgiving in his tone _._

_“Sure, that’s what date night is about.”_

_“Yesterday, when we were talking about going out,”_ Kelly has a feeling he knows where this is going, replaying his reaction from the day before. His hand sneaks to find Matt’s hand, he gently squeezes his fingers in between Matt’s, hoping his gesture will set a different setting to the atmosphere that had developed when they previously broached the subject. Matt grasps at his fingers, holding them tightly under his, _“you got kind of upset, Kelly. I’d like to know why.”_

Kelly remains silent for a while, trying to convince himself Matt deserves as much openness from him as he had demonstrated before, though the subject isn’t easy.  
 _“The first time I had sex,”_ he begins slowly, his eyes on his lap, _“I was 15 and she was my teacher. It was more than that, she was actually dating my dad. And I was so pissed at him and at her, I just, I made it happen. It was a really stupid thing to do, but…_

_“After, she’d made me swear not to tell anyone, not to talk about it. She wouldn’t look at me in class, wouldn’t talk to me. I was 15, it was my first time, it wasn’t great, and I was kind of sure I’d done something wrong, like technically, physically wrong. It led to a lot of other bad experiences. It took me a long time to learn that sex wasn’t a shameful, dirty thing. Renée was the one that taught me that, actually, that it could be this incredible experience when it’s done with mutual respect. And once I’d experienced that, I promised myself, I’d never let anyone make me feel ashamed about sex again.  
I didn’t mean to get so impatient yesterday, I guess the subject just pushed some buttons. I’m sorry.”_

Matt doesn’t answer, instead, he just looks at Kelly, seeing pain flashing in his eyes as he talks. When Kelly falls silent, Matt slowly climbs into his lap, straddling him, checking Kelly’s eyes to see that his actions are accepted as the comfort he means them to be. He wraps his arms around Kelly’s shoulders, holding him, his forehead resting on Kelly’s, the words running from him as he speaks.

_“I’m not ashamed of this Kel, it’s just new to me. I didn’t mean for you feel like this, to think I’m ashamed. I’d be honored to be seen with you, anywhere. You’ve managed to surprise me every day in the past week; I’m in awe of how gentle and respectful and honest you are in private. You don’t let just anyone see it, but you’re incredible, you’re wonderful. Thank you for letting me see it. Thank you for being here.”_

Kelly can’t take the wave of emotion that washes over him as Matt speaks. He didn’t think Matt would be able to read him so deeply, so soon, but there is something about Matt that makes it so easy to open up and be himself. He tilts his head to find Matt’s lips, to make him stop talking, his arms circling around him as he pulls them into a long kiss, pouring himself into it in abandon, trying to reciprocate some of Matt’s words and his own feelings.

A loud buzzing noise pulls them back to reality, it takes them a moment to realize, it’s the oven.

 _“Dinner’s ready,”_ Matt whispers with a smile,

“Not sure I’m so keen on moving,” Kelly responds, unwilling to let the moment pass.

 _“Come on, I’m hungry and I’ve been working on it all day, I’m curious to see how it came out,”_ Matt says as he tries to climb off Kelly’s lap, Kelly’s arms holding him in place. _“Kelly, the couch isn’t going anywhere, and if you play nice, I might let you persuade me to not go out later…”_ he teases as he gets up, stretching an arm to pull Kelly up and to the table.


	14. Fear Makes Us Irrational, or, This Is Date Night (Part II)

**14 | Fear Makes Us Irrational, or, This Is Date Night (Part II)**

_“I need to tell you something,”_ Severide suddenly says as they sit at the table eating. _“Shay knows.”_

 _“Knows?”_ Matt is slow to understand.

_“About us.”_

_“Kelly, what the fuck? How? Why did you tell her? I thought we talked about it.”_

_“I didn’t tell her, she just guessed. But I told you I’m not hiding this and I don’t lie to Shay.”_

_“How?”_

_“Shay knows me better than anyone, Matt, she reads me like a book. And she knows I’ve been staying here, and she saw us at the funeral.”_

_“It’s hasn’t even been a week Kelly, **we** barely know.”_

_“Yeah, well, she’s Shay. Look, don’t worry, she won’t tell anyone.”_

_“Well, what did she say?”_ Matt can’t help but worry.

_“She told me to be good to you. And not to screw it up.”_

_“That’s it? She didn’t care? That we’re…?”_

_“Matt, she’s a lesbian. You think she’d be intimidated by the idea of a gay couple?”_

_“No, by the idea of us being a...”_

_“Shay’s not like that, Matt. And anyway. She’ll have her fun once it’s out in the open. You can count on that.”_

_“Shit, Kelly.”_ Matt murmurs quietly as his fears begin to eat at him. He doesn’t want to be upset but the idea of someone knowing makes him feel a sudden uncomfortable pressure of expectations or judgment. It makes him feel self-conscious and annoyed.  
He gets up suddenly, clearing their dishes and turning his back to Kelly with the excuse of dishes as his mind begins its freefall. He finds that, as annoyed as he is, he’s also somehow disappointed that Shay’s reaction was not more surprised or excited, as if it doesn’t matter at all, as if it’s nothing. Or, another thought comes to his mind, maybe it was expected, maybe she could see it in him all along, maybe it was evident to everyone but him. He doesn’t know what it means.

 _“Matt,”_ Kelly gets up to stand behind him, letting Matt feel his presence before touching him. He fears Matt might react badly to contact right now but he can see he’s is in an inner battle with himself, his mind taking him to dangerous places, and he wants to help him stop it.

 _“I think you should leave,”_ Matt’s voice is unequivocal, but Kelly isn’t fazed. If anything, he feels an anger rising in him at Matt irrational reaction _._

_“What? No.”_

_“What do you mean no, Kelly? I’m asking you to leave.”_ Matt, now losing his temper at Kelly’s assertive tone, turns around to face Kelly, finding him closer than he’d thought, their proximity somehow unsuitable for the argument they’re having.

 _“I’m not leaving before we talk about this, you’re being irrational.”_ Kelly’s manages to keep his tone calm, driving Matt to lose his patience.

_“That may be, Severide, but I’m not talking about this with you now. I need time to think about this and I’m asking you to get the hell out of my house.”_

_“So, we’re back to Severide now, really, Matt. It’s that simple?”_

They lock eyes for a moment, engage in a silent battle of wills, anger passing from one to the other, until Kelly tries again, his tone calm and soothing in an attempt to reach Matt. He dares take a step closer to Matt.

_“Matt, please don’t do this. Let’s talk about this. I know you’re scared, I can see the wheels in your head turning but I think you’re taking this to the wrong places. Don’t let this get out of hand, talk to me,”_

_“Don’t patronize me, you prick. Just leave.”_

_“Fine.”_ The anger in Kelly rises and he can feel he’s on the verge of losing it.  
Matt being impossibly stubborn and giving in to his fears, makes him seem almost pathetic in Kelly’s eyes and he fights to stay reasonable where Matt can’t seem to. _It’s fear_ , he reminds himself as he takes one last look at Matt, _and fear makes us irrational_. He then raises his arms and steps back, slowly turning to collect his jacket from the chair at the table before heading out the door.

...

About an hour later, Matt steps into Molly’s, having decided to take the edge off with a drink in a controlled environment, instead of sinking into all the alcohol in his apartment.  
He’s literally shaking with anger as he steps in, his thoughts having spun out of control. Mostly, he’s angry with himself.  
He realizes he’d been irrational, that he had let his fears get the better of him, only a short while after promising Kelly he’s not ashamed of their relationship. _Kelly. He didn’t deserve any of that,_ Matt tells himself, _and the way I’ve just acted, I don’t deserve him_.

 _“CASEY!”_ a loud and happy Herrmann greets him before taking in his dark and solemn features. _“It’s good to see you, lieutenant,”_ he says as tries to reel in his enthusiasm while Matt takes a chair at the bar, _“What can I get you?”_

 _“A double scotch on the rocks and a beer,”_ Herrmann’s eyes squint in surprise as he takes in the man in front of him.

 _“How ’bout just a beer, we have shift tomorrow.”_ He says as he sets a beer in front of Matt. Matt just nods, a grateful look in his eyes as he takes the beer, sinking back into his head.

He doesn’t notice Kelly, sitting at a corner table, hidden behind people.


	15. Can I Talk To You?

**15 | _Can I Talk To You?_**

_“What did you do?! I told you not to screw it up.”_ Shay greets Kelly as they meet at Molly’s, 15 minutes after he’d left Matt’s apartment.

 _“I didn’t DO anything. I just told him that you knew. And he completely freaked out and threw me out. I swear, I was being the reasonable one, he just… flipped out.”_ Shay looks at him, feigning disbelief.  _“Whatever, I need a drink. Herrmann, a double scotch on the rocks and a beer. What are you having, Shay? on me.”_

_“A beer for me too, Chris, thanks.”_

They wait side by side for their drinks to come, quietly avoiding each other’s thoughts.

 _“He’s just, he so scared,”_ Kelly says quietly as they sit at a table at the back of the bar, unable to hold it in anymore. _“like, of everything. And I couldn’t get him to slow down and look at it rationally.”_

_“Yeah, well, you’re the expert at not slowing down, Kelly, you should know better than anyone that we don’t necessarily listen when we go into these places.”_

_“Yeah but,”_ Kelly falls silent, at a loss at what he’s feeling.

 _“What’s he afraid of_?” Shay asks, trying to bring Kelly to shed light on the situation.

_“Well, at first he was afraid of people knowing, of how people would react, what people would think and how they’d see him. Said he wasn’t ready to risk losing his family at 51.”_

_“That’s a bit understandable, isn’t it, knowing his background? He doesn’t have that many people he can count on. From what Dawson been telling me, his mother just continues to pull one trick after the other on him. It can’t be easy to trust people with that experience.”_

_“Yeah, we’ve talked about that. But I don’t know, I think it something else. He was really spinning it when he heard you knew. He asked how you reacted and if you didn’t care that we’re seeing each other.”_

_“Give it some time, Kelly, coming out isn’t easy, everyone has their own process to go through.”_

_“We’re not ‘coming out’, Shay. This isn’t about us suddenly figuring out we’re gay.”_

_“Isn’t it?”_

_“No. It’s about…”_ Kelly searches for the words, _“me and him.”_ He can’t put it into better words, but he can feel it, feel a tug in his gut as he thinks about Matt, feel his heart clench tighter at the thought of Matt in pain, or of not being able to hold him close again.

_“Does he see it like that?”_

_“Yes, it’s how he explained it. Said he’d fallen in love with me for who I was, that me being a man was just a weird coincidence. He’ll kill me if he finds out I’m telling you all this. You can’t tell anyone, Shay, please.”_

Shay can’t remember Kelly ever being so open or so scared about a relationship, he’s always so offhand and nonchalant, though she knows he takes things seriously when they mean something to him. _“I won’t, Kelly, I promise.”_ she puts her hand on his to relay the gravity of her words and give him comfort.

 

 _“Casey!”_ Herrmann’s voice suddenly fills the room, and the two of them turn to see Matt walking into the bar. His features grave and sad. He walks straight to the bar and orders a drink, not noticing them hidden at a far table behind people. They look at each other in question as he settles on a stool at the bar.

 _“What do you want to do?”_ Shay asks carefully.

 _“Nothing,”_ Kelly says, feigning apathy, _“he has the right to be here, and so do we. Maybe he won’t notice us,”_ he takes a swig from his drink, but his eyes don’t leave Matt.

_“You really care about him, don’t you?”_

Kelly’s eyes move to look at Shay as he thinks her question over,  _“Yeah, I do.”_  he admits, knowing she’ll know what he means. _“I brought him a yellow tulip tonight.”_

 _“Really?”_ Shay can’t hide her surprise at his gesture, _“Wow.”_

Having drunk his beer, Matt contemplates what to do, deciding to take a leak before he makes his decision. Walking to the back of the bar, where the toilets are, he meets Kelly’s blue gaze head-on, stopping him in his place. His eyes move to take in Shay sitting next to him, he then passes them silently, on his way to the toilet.

 

 _“Can I talk to you?”_ Matt asks when he returns from the toilet, his eyes fixed on Shay as he avoids Kelly sitting beside her.

Shay stutters for a moment in confusion, sending a questioning look to Kelly, but receiving nothing in return. _“Uh, yeah, sure.”_

She gets up and follows Matt, who leads her outside, needing privacy and quiet to put his thoughts in order.   
Seeing her has brought his confusion back and he tries his best to fight his fears. They stand there silently for a few moments, leaning against the bulky stones of the building as she waits for him to find his ground.

 _“How did you know?”_ Matt asks finally, taking Shay by surprise. She tries to think what he means but he continues at her silence. _“How did you know to guess what was happening between Severide and I?”_ his eyes find hers and she can see the pain in them, hear his voice shaking, _“Is it something we did? Is it something you saw?”_

Shay begins to realize what he means, what he’s after, what really scares him. “ _No, Casey. I just know Kelly really well. He came back to the apartment and he was happy. Really happy, Matt, like I haven’t seen him be in a really long time. And I saw that look in his eyes at the funeral, the look of devotion he gets when people he cares about are hurting.”_

She can feel Matt isn’t convinced and she continues, boldened to broach the subject, _“It was a lucky guess, Matt, because I know Kelly. No one can ‘see you’re gay’, Matt, if that’s what you’re afraid of. It’s not written on your forehead. My guess doesn’t mean anything about you. And I’m not going to tell anyone if you don’t want me to_.”

Matt takes her words in, letting the wall take his weight, he slides slowly to sit on the floor. “ _I promised him I wasn’t ashamed to be seen in public with him.”_ He says quietly.

 _“And?”_ she says as she sits by him.

 _“And then I threw him out, like an idiot, letting my fears take over. Why were you not surprised when you found out? What does it mean that you’re not surprised about me being with a man?”_ Matt turns the conversation to her suddenly, voicing some of the questions still running through his head.

_“First of all, Casey, with all due respect, I don’t think about you that much in that sense. I don’t care who you get it on with. Secondly, I’ve been hearing Kelly talk about you these past months, little things I don’t even think he noticed, but… so when I guessed, I was thinking about him, from his side, not yours. Thirdly, I’m an open-minded kick-ass lesbian biatch, that knows that love comes in all forms and that sexuality is not a fixed, firm, set thing like some conservative pricks would like us to think. People change, people experiment, people fall in love with people for who they are, not what they have between their legs. It’s time our society moves on and stops making a such a big fuss about it. Now, what are you going to do about Kelly?”_

_“I don’t know,”_

_“Eeenh, wrong answer. You do know Matt.”_

Matt looks at her, surprised by her sudden directness. “ _I need to apologize.”_

 _“Yes, I think you might. The good news is, I know he’ll listen if you try. Come on,”_ she says as she gets up.

 _“I’ll just be a second,”_ Matt mumbles, remaining seated on the floor.

Shay looks at him, a slight smirk on her lips. _“You two, you fucking run into burning building for a living but facing up to yourselves gives you the shits. Pfff, men.”_ She says, smiling, as she opens the door to go in. _“Don’t take too long, Matt. Like ripping off a band-aid, the slower you do it, the more painful it is. Take that from a medic.”_


	16. Apology

**16 | Apology**

_“Kelly,”_ he says softly, waiting for the man on the stool to turn to him.  
When he does, Matt delicately pulls his legs apart, placing himself between his thighs, leaving hardly any space between them. _“_ _I’m sorry, I was an idiot, I overreacted.”_

 _“Yes, you did.”_ Kelly’s voice is soft but stern, confusing Matt.

 _“I’m sorry,”_ he mumbles again.

Kelly’s hands come up to Matt’s face, holding him in place, slowly joining their lips. Matt can hear the place go quiet, but can’t seem to care. All he can feel is Kelly’s hands and lips. His arms find their way around Kelly’s shoulders, taking the tiniest step closer, closing any space they still had between them.  
He feels Kelly’s hand roaming down his back, leaving his skin tingling in its wake. Reaching the hem of Matt’s shirt, Kelly's hand slips under it, roaming back up, finding its way through Matt’s collar into his hair, linking them together and pulling Matt in. His other hand sliding into the back of Matt’s jeans.

 _“They’re all looking, aren’t they?”_ Matt whispers onto Kelly’s lips.

 _“Mmh, probably,”_ Kelly whispers back.

 _“I don’t care,”_ Matt answers, brushing the tips of his nose against Kelly’s. _“I want you,”_ he whispers, his lips moving to find Kelly’s ear, _“I want you inside me.”_

He moves just enough to look into Kelly’s eyes and register his surprised look. Without waiting for an answer, Matt kisses him again, slowly moving from his lips to his cheek, to his jawline, down his neck and collarbone, his hands fiddling with Kelly’s belt until he finds himself kneeling in front of Kelly, who is still leaning against the high bar-stool.

.

 _FUCK! Matt, what’s wrong with you? what was that?_ Matt shakes himself out of his daydream to find he’s still sitting outside the bar, leaning against the wall. Embarrassed to find a bulge in his jeans, he stands up and walks away, hailing the first cab he finds.

He knows he should have gone in and apologized, but there was no way he could do it now, in this condition. He kicks himself for being such a coward, realizing shift tomorrow will be unbearable if things stay like this, but crosses out the possibility of waiting pathetically outside Kelly’s door.

…

As he’d thought, shift was hell.

Having stepped into the common room, he was immediately surrounded by his shift mates, happy to see him back. From the corner of his eye, he could see Kelly slipping away out the door. Soon after, Squad had miraculously needed to go out on a run, which Matt couldn’t help feel was Kelly’s way to put space between them, followed by a series of calls that had them working long hours, both of them professional enough to focus on the job and avoid each other as much as possible. Of course, it had its price in the field, bringing Boden to whip them into place once their egos got out of hand.

At 2:00 AM they finally caught a break long enough for the members of the house to shower and get some sleep. It’s then, Matt takes his opportunity to slip into Kelly’s office, finding him hunched at his desk over paperwork.

They look at each other sternly before Matt moves to close the shutters, closing them off from the rest of the sleeping shift members.

Matt’s actions surprise Kelly and he can’t help but be intrigued. He knows what’s coming, or at least he hopes it’s what’s coming and is now curious to see how Matt will go about it.  
He’d hated every moment of this long and retched shift. Nothing seemed to go right and all he wanted to do, even when they were yelling at each other, was put his arms around Matt and make everything between them okay. He hates that their prides have come between them, what started as a simple matter now blown out of proportions. He kicks himself for not having gone to Matt earlier.

 _“Kelly,”_ Matt says softly, his voice strained, his eyes to the floor.

 _“Matt,”_ Kelly answers, his tone practical, but his choice to use Matt’s first name, indicates for Matt, he’s willing to listen.

 _“I’m here to apologize,”_ Matt begins, standing with his back to the door, his voice still low, to keep their conversation private.

 _“For which part?”_ Kelly asks before he can control his tongue. Matt’s eyes dart to find Kelly, a rush of shame washes through him and he grinds his teeth to go on.

_“All of it. For getting so upset, for not listening to you, for kicking you out, for the way I treated you at Molly’s, all of it. I got scared and I blew things out of proportion and I acted like an idiot and I’m sorry.”_

_“Why didn’t you come and find me at Molly’s after you talked to Shay? She said you were going to come in.”_

_“I was, but then… look, can we just, do you accept my apology, or not?”_

Kelly studies Matt’s features, a curious blush rising up his neck. He decided not to push the matter, but make a note to inquire further at a later point. _“I do, Matt.”_

He can see Matt’s relief as he releases a breath he was holding inside while waiting for Kelly’s answer. Matt comes to stand next to Kelly, leaning on his desk, his fingers curling against its edge, still apprehensive of making contact.

_“But I think we should talk about what happened, Matt. What was going through your head, because if you can’t talk about it, we’re just going to hit the same pit-hole again.”_

_“No, we won’t. I promise.”_

_“Matt,”_

_“No, Kelly, listen, when you told me Shay knew, that she’d guessed it about us, I went into this freefall, trying to understand what it is that made it evident to her, and why she wasn’t surprised about it. What did it mean about me? But the talk I had with Shay, it gave me the answers I needed, it made me realize I had all wrong. And shift today made me realize, I don’t care what 51 thinks._

_“All day today, I was terrified that something would happen to you, or me, without me having the chance to apologize and tell you what you mean to me. I feel like you’re bringing me out of this shell, I didn’t even know I lived in and it’s terrifying but also exciting and incredible.”_

Kelly’s hand moves to rest on Matt’s as emotions sweep through him at Matt’s words.

 _“I was an idiot to push you away, Kel, I’m sorry.”_ Matt utters in a low voice, bringing Kelly to get up from his chair and stand before Matt, circling his arms around him.

 _“Ok, Matt, enough. Let it go,”_ he says softly as they hold each other tightly.

It's then, the overhead alarm goes off, sending them on the run to another call. They don’t even think before they part, their bodies automatically jumping into gear. It’s only when they’re both in their seats in their respective trucks, that their eyes find each other for a brief moment, holding on until squad pulls out of the firehouse and the connection is severed.


	17. You Fucking Idiot!

**17 | _You Fucking Idiot!_**

It was a house fire at a relatively remote neighborhood.  At 3AM the tenants of the area were asleep and by the time the trucks arrived, the fire had trapped a family inside.   
Having successfully rescued 3 children and the unconscious mother, they were still looking for the father, when Boden called it. They were standing before their trucks, looking at the smoke turning black when the mother murmurs something from the gurney.

 _“Chief!”_ Dawson’s voice rings out, _“He’s in the basement!”_

 Matt can’t help but look at the children huddled at the foot of gurney, the future of both their parent’s unknown, before his eyes return to the roof.   
_“Let me go in Chief, 3 minutes.”_   
Boden reads Matt’s grave features, quickly debating chances and possibilities with himself. Casey’s eyes direct him to the children.

_“2, Casey. You got 2 minutes.”_

Matt rushes in without hesitation, finding his way into the basement. Time slows down as he disappears from sight; Kelly swears he can hear every tick of his watch. Two minutes suddenly feeling extremely long, like any threat can materialize into danger in what used to be a relatively short time.

Kelly gets edgy, it’s always like that when time had been called but it’s worse now Matt is inside. He’s used to being the one inside, not the one waiting on the sidelines. He hates waiting. It feels as if something is crawling under his skin, on the walls of his heart, the edges of his fingers tingle with restlessness.

 _“Chief, let me go get hi-”_ but before he finishes the sentence, an explosion is heard from inside, sending blue flames out the now broken windows.

 _“What was that?! Casey, report!”_ Boden yells into his radio, while Kelly feels a cold shiver running down his spine.   
Before his mind even grips what’s happened, Matt’s figure can be seen within the door of the house, carrying a man, holding his mask against the man’s nose, his own face exposed.

Kelly rushes to him as he lets go of the man, collapsing on the sidewalk, trying to get some air into his lungs, coughing all the while.

_“You idiot! You fucking idiot! You never give up your mask, that’s a rookie’s mistake”_

_“Severide!”_

_“What the hell were you thinking?!”_

_“Severide!”_ Dawson tries to reach Matt, who has not yet succeeded breathing properly, his eyes huge and watery. She’s now yelling at Kelly, who can’t hear it over his own voice and panic, _“Severide, back off! NOW! What the hell’s the matter with you?!”_

Reaching Matt, she shoves an air mask over his mouth but sees he’s yet unable to breathe right. He’s panting and gasping for air, wheezing it out, as though something is blocking it from flowing in and out.

 _“Shay! Get the gurney! Guys, help me get him to the ambulance.”_   
They hurry off in the ambulance, and Kelly is left there on the sidewalk, panting his anger out, slowly realizing that what he’d feared has happened.

 ..

Hours later, having finished with the fire site they all pull up at the hospital to get an update on Matt. There are still a few hours till shift ends, so Kelly knows he won’t be able to stay. Unsure if he’d even be able to see Matt now.   
They find Dawson in the emergency room, leaning against the counter.

 _“Dawson,”_ Boden calls her, letting her know they’ve arrived, silently asking after Matt’s condition.

_“He lost consciousness in the ambo, his airways were blocked, I had to do a tracheotomy. The doctor said he’s showing signs of chemical burns to his throat, probably Sulfur, by the looks of things.”_

As she finishes speaking, unable to give them any more details, the doctor comes out to find them.

 _“Kelly Severide?”_ he asks, his eyes moving from one man to the next.

“ _Yeah, that’s me.”_

_“You’re registered as Matt Casey’s emergency contact?”_

_“Yes, that’s right.”_

_“Okay, well, he’s suffering from chemical burns to his throat. Nothing too bad, it seems exposure was relatively short. We’ve given him something for the swelling and antibiotics against any infection, it should clear up in the coming days. We’ll keep him here for a few hours, just to make sure it’s improving rather than deteriorating, then he’ll be able to go home. He’ll be sore for a couple of days and he should avoid exerting his throat, but other than that… he’ll make full recovery.”_

Kelly just nods as he listens to the doctor’s words, it’s all a bit too much. All he wants is to see for himself that Matt’s okay.

 _“Can we see him?”_ Dawson asks hopefully.

 _“Only family allowed into the emergency room. That means only you can come.”_ the doctor points at Kelly.

 _“Okay everyone,”_ Boden’s voice rings clear _, “you heard the doctor. We’re pulling back to the firehouse. Severide, keep your radio open, I’ll pick you up if we get a call.”_

Kelly just nods, his face blank, but inside he’s anxious and excited at the prospect of seeing Matt.

 .

Coming into the closed curtains, Kelly finds Matt lying on the bed, his eyes closed, an oxygen mask covering his mouth.   
The doctor having left Kelly to see other patients, he finds the courage to approach the bed, unsure if Matt is sleeping or not. He stands there for a moment, taking in Matt’s features.   
His hair is blackened at a few places and there are small cuts on his cheek and around his left eyes, day old stubble at his jawline. _He looks peaceful_ , Kelly thinks, _he looks like Matt_. Kelly’s surprised at how comforting that thought is to him, Matt still being Matt, Matt still being.

It’s as if Matt can hear Kelly’s thoughts, because he opens his eyes, without Kelly having touched him nor spoken. His blue eyes find Kelly’s and they share a long stare, Matt’s unsure of Kelly’s mood, his yelling still ringing in Matt’s ears. He slowly moves his hand to remove the air mask.

 _“Keep it on, Matt. You’re not allowed to speak anyway.”_ Kelly mutters worriedly, suddenly confused by Matt’s clear gaze.

Matt doesn’t listen, pulling the mask down to hang around his neck, he then offers Kelly his hand, waiting for the man to take it. But Kelly is uncharacteristically hesitant, as if touching Matt might make him disappear, or perhaps, on the contrary, prove to Kelly his really alive and alright.   
Kelly doesn’t fully understand his own confusion and how he’s feeling. Instead of taking Matt’s hand, his fingers creep slowly up Matt’s shoulder, fumbling lightly with the fabric of his shirt.

Surprised by Kelly’s reaction and boldened by something he sees in Kelly’s eyes, Matt’s hand moves to grasp Kelly’s, moving it from his shoulder down to his chest, laying it against his heart and holding it there. They stay like that for a moment, until the curtain suddenly opens, and a nurse comes in to check on Matt’s status, their fingers hurriedly pulling away from each other.

 _“No speaking, you,”_ she says pointedly, looking at Matt, _“that’s was this is for,”_ smiling, she then raises a small whiteboard from a shelf near the bed, handing it to Matt. They both nod silently, almost obediently, like schoolboys, as they wait for her to leave the room.

 

 _IT WASN’T WHAT YOU THINK,_ Matt writes hurriedly, flashing the whiteboard to Kelly, having to write in short sentences, due to the size of the board.

_I DIDN’T GIVE UP MY MASK._

_WE WERE SHARING IT._

_IT WAS JUST BAD TIMING_

_THE EXPLOSION HAPPENING,_

_WHEN HE HAD THE MASK._

Kelly doesn’t answer, just stands there silent, his eyes moving from the board to Matt’s face.   
Matt goes on to write, his eyes looking firmly into Kelly’s as he turns the board.

_YOU WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME._

But before Kelly can react, Matt begins to cough, battling for air. Kelly quickly puts the mask back around his mouth as Matt heaves for air. A nurse comes in, helping Matt to gain control of his breathing again, changing something in his IV drip.

_“I think it’s time to call it a night, boys. Mr. Casey needs his rest. He’ll be released around 8:00, you can come then.”_

_“I’ll be right outside, in the waiting area,”_ Kelly says to Matt, unsure if he’d heard him as he watches him slip into sleep.


	18. Your place or mine?

**18 | _Your place or mine?_**

At 9:15 they finally park outside Matt’s home, detouring through the firehouse to bring the radio back and grab their gear. Having met Boden, Herrmann, and Mouch hanging around the walkway to the firehouse, they were detained a few more moments with the inquiry to Matt’s health and situation and had kindly declined to join breakfast, both eager to get home.  
But having collected their gear, they suddenly realize, they haven’t talked about what they’ll do, having begun this shift in a fight, they’d also arrived in separate cars.

 _“You’re not supposed to be driving,”_ Kelly says, looking doubtfully at Matt, trying to assess his condition. _“Come on, we’ll take my car, I’ll drop you back later if you want to collect your car.”_ He continues as he opens the door for Matt.

 _“Your place or mine?”_ Kelly asks as they both sit in the car and he starts the engine.

Matt doesn’t even stop to think, his hand coming to his point at his own chest. He’d really be grateful for his own bed right now, and the privacy of his apartment without Shay in the adjoining room.  
He’s not sure if it’s the lack of sleep or the toll of the shift, but he can feel Kelly’s distance and hesitation, his face locked into a grim frown. Not understanding if it has to do with them, with their one-sided unfinished conversation from the hospital or if having experienced being in public, even if not intimate, Kelly’s now having regrets or second thoughts.

Frustrated at his inability to ask Kelly while he’s driving, feeling trapped in his own silence, Matt’s own tiredness and pain bring on a bad mood. As they arrive at his place, Matt climbs out the car and slams the door as he walks away, trying to calm himself but failing miserably. He angrily pulls his phone out of his pocket, slamming his finger as he writes a message, slinging it into Severide’s chest as he battles to open the door, the keys shaking in his hand with anger. He’s not sure how he’s come to be so angry, all of a sudden, but he can’t help it.

I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU’RE SO ANGRY WITH ME AFTER I EXPLAINED IT, BUT IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE AN ASS ABOUT IT, YOU CAN PISS OFF RIGHT NOW.

Kelly reads the message, his hand slipping to grab Matt’s arm as he enters the apartment, pinning him to the wall and taking his lips in a desperate kiss. He’s trying to show Matt what he’s feeling rather than explain himself, but his need to feel Matt against him makes him almost forceful in his actions, the heat rolling off his body confusing Matt even further.

The kiss having surprised Matt and demanded more than his bruised throat can handle, he pushes back against Kelly's chest, his hand gripping at the fabric of his shirt, his eye ablaze as he looks at Kelly for answers.

 _“I’m not angry with you Matt. I’m not angry.”_ he pants, his voice small, surprise taking hold of him at his own eagerness and actions. _“Sorry,”_ he whispers, his hands slowly loosening his grip and moving to rest against Matt’s chest. They stand and look at each other for a moment, curious at the rush of emotions they’re both being exposed to.

 _“Go take a shower,”_ Kelly says as he moves back from Matt, _“I’ll make you a smoothie for breakfast.”_

But Matt’s hand doesn’t let go of his shirt, a deep crease between his eyes, he shakes his head. Something in Kelly’s demeanor telling Matt it’s proximity that he needs, rather than distance.   
Instead, Matt pulls Kelly into the bathroom, closing the door behind them, holding on to Kelly’s shirt as he switches the water on.

They both think back to a few nights before when the roles were reversed. Matt slowly peels Kelly’s shirt off, his fingers sliding down his chest to the buckle of his belt, a smirk comes to his face at his inability to speak, but he’s glad at the opportunity to let their bodies communicate rather than their words. He kisses Kelly lightly, guiding his hands to his own belt. Kelly’s eyes glisten at him as he comes up for air, finally catching on, his hands finding their way to Matt’s shirt, slowly pulling it above his head, locking his arm in that position as he moves in to kiss Matt’s lips, bringing their bare chests together.

Undressing each other slowly, they take turns dominating the situation, their lips following their hands as they learn each other’s bodies, bringing each other to new verges of control and loss thereof. It’s a slow game of trust and boldness and body, and they’re both hard even before they enter the shower.

Despite their situation, they take their time in the shower, lathering and soaping each other, their hands following the trickling duds of soap on their way down their bodies. Kelly takes a moment to scrub Matt’s hair, making sure the blackened ends return to their sandy gold. Matt notices as Kelly examines the cuts to his face, his lips tracing them gently, setting kisses around his eye.

He suddenly realizes it was worry he’d seen on Kelly’s face in the car, not anger. He pulls his head back out of Kelly’s hold to find his eyes, delicately he pushes Kelly to lean against the wall, his hand finding Kelly’s and bringing it again to lay against his heart, his other hand finding Kelly’s erection. _I’m right here_ , he thinks, trying to communicate the message silently to Kelly through touch and the sheer velocity of his body against Kelly’s, _alive, fine, strong, with you. Right here._


	19. Yellow Tulip

**19 | Yellow Tulip**

Having finished the shower, they lie next to each other naked in bed, fighting their exhaustion. Laying on his stomach, Kelly’s eyes move from Matt’s features to the yellow tulip he’d given him, now sitting in a jar on his nightstand. Unable to speak, but unable to bear the silence, Matt reaches for his phone again, TELL ME.

Kelly smiles lightly as he reads the message and then he does something that takes Matt by complete surprise. Leaning over Matt to take the flower from his bedside, Kelly then moves to straddle Matt, his knees at both sides of his waist, he folds himself onto Matt, his head in the crook of Matt’s shoulder, his arms circle around Matt’s torso and head, chest to chest, he holds Matt, breathing him in.

Matt has never experienced anything like it, especially not from Severide. He can feel every nerve, where their bodies connect, can feel their post-coital genitals lying flaccid against each other. But this isn’t about sex. This is about human connection and need and Kelly. He’s never seen him so vulnerable and exposed, never felt so needed by anyone, as if Kelly desires reassurance of Matt being there, looking to secure what he holds to be his anchor, unable to fathom the potential loss he eventually didn’t experience. Matt doesn’t resist, his fingers fluttering ever so lightly up and down Kelly’s back, pushing into his hair, anchoring him against him, he lets him gather the assurance he’s seeking.

Eventually, Kelly’s head comes up, the hand holding the flower brings it back to Matt’s chest, his eye finding’s Matt again. But Matt's eyes fill with an unspoken question; Ashamed of his need to rely on technology, Matt quickly taps his message. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

Kelly’s head sinks back into Matt’s shoulders, plucking up his nerve, his words tickle on Matt’s skin, “ _It’s an old Persian tradition, Matthew, a yellow tulip is a declaration of love,”_ he then raises his head, his blue eyes lock deep in Matt’s eyes, _“I love you.”  
_ After a tiny moment, his lips find Matt’s ear, his fingers now gripping strongly at Matt’s hair. _“But that also means you have to take care of yourself, you have to be careful. I can’t lose you, Matthew, not like that. You’re not allowed to disappear like everybody does. Even if we don’t make it as a couple. You’re not allowed to die, you hear me?”_  

Matt nods sincerely, knowing Kelly can feel the motion. A rush of devotion rushes through him, mixed with pride and trust and a tug of love. He slowly takes hold of Kelly’s head, angling it to bring their lips together in a searing kiss. Sealing a silent deal.

Moving his lips to Kelly’s ear, a low croaked whisper comes out. _“I want you inside me.”_

Their eyes meet again, filled with surprise and fear and excitement, a silent conversation between two pairs of blue eyes.

 _“You sure? It might hurt, and you’re not allowed to exert your throat,_ ” Kelly can’t help but smile as he voices his concern, his mind painting intriguing images. But Matt’s eyes glisten at him, biting his lower lip in a beautiful shy grin, his cheeks reddening, his dimples dancing on his cheeks, making Kelly hard with anticipation.

..

 

Waking up a few hours later, their heads facing each other on their respective pillows, Matt takes time to study Kelly sleeping beside him. His breath catches in his throat as he looks at Kelly, his silver hair shining in the sunlight coming through the window.  
There’s something so strong in his calm features. _He’s not so young anymore_ , Matt realizes. W _hen did it happen, that the troubled boy I met in the academy became this beautiful, reliable, man?_ Secretly, Matt hopes he’s also changed liked that, matured into a thoughtful, composed, sensible man. It doesn’t always feel like it; Sometimes he still feels like the boy he was when his world fell apart around him, but then, he reminds himself, Kelly isn’t always sensible or composed. He has to smile at that _._

 _“I can feel you staring, you perv, stop it,”_ Kelly grunts lightly, Matt’s grin turning into a light chuckle before he can stop himself.

Turning on his back, Kelly’s arm coming to rest on his chest, a slight pain fills his head with images from their previous activity, a blush comes to his cheek as he thinks in embarrassment at being so exposed. But it’s not what he felt in the act. He could feel the intensity of Kelly’s affection for him in the way he had tried to make it as comfortable and painless as possible for Matt, not letting it be about Kelly’s desires, but about a joint experience, a coming together. Though Kelly was more experienced, they were equals in the discovery of their togetherness. And it didn’t hurt as much as Matt had anticipated; Kelly’s gentleness along with the feeling of extreme closeness and bareness on both their parts had driven the pain away from Matt’s thoughts.

And then came a sensation he’d never known before, not in any sexual or emotional experience he’s had. The feeling of utter fullness, a tingling bliss as he felt complete in a way he’d never felt he was missing before, it took his breath away, and though the feeling of falling did come, it was different than the one in his nightmares, it was a delightful feeling and Kelly was right there with him in his arms, he could see the emotions flickering on his face and wondered if he too was so exposed at that moment.

He’ll never forget that moment, Kelly’s face in complete, uncontrolled openness and generosity. It felt like a gift only he was granted, a feeling of gratitude and luck and happiness washing over him. He thinks he may have even laughed at that moment, unable to keep his feelings inside. A smile spreading on his lips now he thinks about it.

“ _What are you smiling about?”_ Kelly asks, startling Matt, who hadn’t realized Kelly had opened his eyes and was now looking at him. Matt shrugs his shoulders, his eyes fluttering closed for a second, his smile spreading wider as he turns to Kelly.

 _“Happy,”_ he mouths the slightest whisper on his lips and Kelly leans quickly to kiss him, as though trying to catch the word still on Matt’s lips.

Kelly finishes their kiss with a grunt, the requirements of the day dawning on him. _“I hate the thought of leaving this bed. You think I can fix a boat from here?”_

Matt nods playfully, smiling at the sentiment. He reaches for his phone to write a message, I ALSO HAVE TO GO WORK TODAY. HAVEN’T DONE THAT IN AGES… he adds an eye-rolling emoji to convey his tone. He lets Kelly read it, before turning it back to continue writing, BUT LATER? RETAKE ON DATE NIGHT?

 _“You asking me out, Matthew?”_ Kelly grins mischievously and Matt nods again enthusiastically as his smile spreads wider.

OUT OUT THIS TIME, WHEREVER YOU WANT. WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO. 

 _“Mmmm, sounds promising,”_ Kelly’s eyes sparkle, _“When did you become so trusting?”_ he jokes, but Matt’s features turn serious for a moment, his eyes huge. He takes Kelly’s face in his hands, holding it close to his, whispering on Kelly’s lips.

_“With my life.”_


	20. Rectification

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Ao3 was giving me trouble with this one... glad I finally got it through.  
> this, by the way, may be my favorite chapter...

**20 | Rectification**

14:48 Incoming Message; From: Severide: HOW BAD WOULD IT BE IF THIS TURNED OUT TO BE A RIDICULOUSLY SHORT WORK-DAY AND I PICKED YOU UP AT 1730 FOR OUR DATE?

14:52 Outgoing Massage, To: Severide: NOT BAD AT ALL. I’M PRETTY USELESS TODAY ANYWAY. SOUNDS GREAT BUT ISN’T THAT A LITTLE EARLY FOR DINNER?

14:55 Incoming Message; From: Severide: YOU ARE NEVER USELESS. EVERYTHING OKAY? WE NEED TIME FOR WHAT I HAVE PLANNED… WILL YOU BE HOME? OR SHOULD I COME TO YOUR C. SITE?

14:59 Outgoing Massage, To: Severide: EVERYTHING’S FINE. NOW INTRIGUED BY YOUR PLAN… COME HERE AND WE’LL SWING BY THE HOUSE, SO I CAN CHANGE, I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU CARE FOR APPAREL... ;) SEE YOU THEN

 15:01 Incoming Message; From: Severide: IT’S A DATE

..

At 17:31 Kelly pulls up at Matt’s current construction site, finding Matt packing up his gear. He watches him through the window, drinking him in before Matt notices he’s there. His sandy hair glistening in the sun and sweat has drenched through his shirt, Kelly ponders if he’s ever seen Matt look so hot or if it’s the knowledge that he can have Matt that makes him so irresistible. Shaking himself, he honks lightly to let Matt know he’s there. 

 _“Hey,”_  he says as Matt climbs in, smiling at him.

 _“Hey,”_  he answers, his voice coarse and low as if he’s trying to protect it.

  _“You know, you should really be working with a hat in this sun. You’ll get sunburnt like this._ ”

Matt can’t help but smile wider at Kelly’s apparent concern,  _“Helmet,”_  he says as he points at the scaffolding, sparing words,  _“I just finished.”_

Kelly nods in understanding, wincing as Matt’s voice flutters at the end of his short sentence. His hand rises of its own accord to Matt’s cheek, his fingers caressing his neck lightly.  _“How are you feeling? How is your throat?”_  Matt nods in answer, shrugging his shoulders lightly.  _“You should’ve stayed home. You’ve been released from the hospital less than 12 hours ago…”_

“ _I’m fine, stop worrying.”_  Matt’s says hoarsely, taking hold of Kelly’s hand and kissing it lightly, now eager to get going, find out what Kelly has planned for them.  _“Let’s go, date night. Where to?”_  Matt hopes Kelly can hear his excitement, even if his verbal prowess is down to a minimum.

 _“It’s a surprise,”_  Kelly says as he turns the engine back on.  _“we’ve got a bit of a drive, if you want to rest that’s fine by me.”_  Matt just nods, resting his head back on the headrest, he lets his eyes close and drifts into a light slumber, enjoying the warm sun and the cool wind against his face.

Waking up when he feels the car slow to a stop, he realizes they’re not home like they’d talked, for him to have a chance to freshen up and shower.  _“Hey, what about home? Shower? Change?”_  he grunts confusedly as he takes in his surroundings, recognizing where they are but unsure as to why.

 _“Got it all covered, come on,”_ Kelly says as he climbs out the car, pulling a duffle bag out the back seat.

 _“Marina?”_ Matt asks when Kelly comes to stand at his side, as he stands up.

 _“Mmm,”_  Kelly says leaning into Matt, leaning against the car, kissing him softly,  _“thought we could take the boat out, fish for our dinner, eat it under the stars. What do you say?”_

 _“Perfect,”_  Matt whispers, his eyes sparkling in answer, excited and surprised at how romantic and intimate it sounds yet fitting to both their moods and their likings. He can’t think of anything that could top this suggestion for a date.

If he’d feel a little more comfortable in his body and a little less sweaty and smelly, he’d glue Kelly to him right there and then, let actions compensate for his lack of words.  _“I really need a shower,”_  he whispers to Kelly, insecurity reflecting in his eyes.

 _“Got that covered too,”_  Kelly answers, not moving an inch away _, “but for the record, I find you incredibly sexy like this.”_  his finger tracing Matt’s muscles under his clinging shirt.

..

 _“So, you have two options,”_  Kelly says as he hands Matt a beer, after having anchored the boat in a remote area in the lake. Only water around them, having shut the engine off, they’re engulfed by peaceful silence, in a bubble of their own.  _“Go in and shower inside, while I set up the fishing rods, or, help me set them up and then we both dive in for a swim.”_

They clink their beers and take a swig, eyeing each other’s reactions.

 _“No swimsuit,”_ Matt smiles shyly, his low voice making him sound even more innocent.

 _“No need…”_ Kelly’s mischief grin tells Matt everything.

 _“Option two,”_  Matt smiles, indicating the number with his fingers, taking another swig from his beer to try and curb his anticipation, enjoying the cold liquid on his sore throat.

15 minutes later, having set the fishing rods at the stern of the boat, they both jump off the bow into the cold water. Coming up for air after their dive, Matt soon finds Kelly swimming to him, one hand sneaking to his back, as the other offers him a small bar of soap to wash with.

 _“Natural, no danger to the fish,”_  Kelly says smiling.

But as Matt’s hand moves to take it from him, Kelly’s hand closes around it again, his eyes glistening playfully.  _“May I?”_  he whispers to Matt’s ear, his lips nipping at his earlobe.Matt nods until their lips meet, their arms entwined around each other as they explore their ability to kiss underwater.

Emerging back to the surface for air, Kelly’s hand comes to roam along Matt’s body, lathering him with soap, as they cling to each other against the pull of the water, before Kelly guides him to lie on his back and float.

With his ears underwater, immersed in the feeling of the water around him and Kelly’s fingers gently massaging his scalp and his shoulders, Matt feels blissfully light and relaxed. He doesn’t remember the last time he’d felt so carefree. It’s a new kind of feeling, he realizes, something he’s never felt with someone else before, not even with Hallie because with her he always felt responsible for her safety. Now, he realizes, he feels like he can let go, he feels safe.

He recalls that morning he woke up next to Kelly lying on the couch. He’d said then it feels safe to wake aside Kelly, but now it’s twenty times multiplied. It seems so far away like they’d been through so much, though it’s actually only been a few days. He stirs suddenly, swirling around to face Kelly, his hands grabbing Kelly’s body, pulling him in as realization pulses inside him.

 _“I love you,”_  he states, wide-eyed and sincere.

 _“I love you,”_  Kelly replies wholeheartedly. He doesn’t add the ‘too’, it’s not an answer to Matt’s declaration, it is an act of commitment on its own. A ratification, a promise.

 _“Come on, let’s swim a little and then check on our rods and then maybe we’ll have time to continue this on deck,”_  Kelly smiles at Matt, his arms still holding him.

 _“Maybe, huh?”_  Matt laughs, knowing full well what’s going to happen, and how impossible it is for them to stop, and how they don’t want to.

..

A couple hours later, having finished eating, they sit on the deck of the boat, Matt leaning back against Kelly’s chest, Kelly’s hand absentmindedly stroking Matt’s torso under his shirt, as they look up at the stars, both content and happy.

 _“This is perfect, Kelly,”_  Matt says quietly _, “thank you.”_

He can feel Kelly’s arm tighten around him _, “I agree,”_  he whispers in Matt’s ear, nuzzling into his hair.

 _“But this is still isolated,”_  Matt continues,  _“I thought date night was about going out into the world. Not that I’m complaining.”_  

_“Date night is about you and me, Matthew, what we want. After what happened last shift, I figured a quiet evening where we can just be together and actually hear each other would better than a loud bar or club where you have to shout over the music. Anyway, wasn’t really prepared to share you with anyone, selfishly wanted you all to myself. But we can still go out if you’d like,”_

_“Nah, I’m good here, maybe tomorrow.”_

They fall silent then, each drifting into his own thoughts until Matt picks up the conversation again.

_“I like your boat,”_

_“Thank you. I like it too.”_

_“How did you get it?”_

_“I bought it from a guy who owned a boathouse. He lost the boathouse in a fire and needed the money, the boat needed repairs, so I got a good deal on it and worked on it until it was ready. Then I couldn’t bring myself to sell it… it’s actually named after you in a way.”_

_“Phoenix?”_  Matt turns to Kelly in wonder.

“ _Well not after you, but with you in mind… This boat, it also lost its home, had to start over from scratch. I wanted to call it ‘out of the ashes’ but figured it was too long and too dark. It was around the time your mother had her 10-year parole hearing, and I saw you deal with a lot of crap your sister and mother were throwing at you, and you came out of it stronger and more beautiful. You always do. Like a Phoenix.”_

Matt’s too overwhelmed to talk, a single, uncontrolled tear running down his cheek. He didn’t know Kelly had registered the hardships of his family. He’d always tried to separate his private life from his work life, not letting anyone know what he’s dealing with. That Kelly not only noticed but took it to heart and named his boat after him, is suddenly too much.

It makes him feel seen, noticed, acknowledged, in a way that the fights between his parents, the cold hand of the law, and the professional demands of the academy had only ever led him to believe he’s insignificant and expendable.

 _“I don’t deserve you, Kelly Severide,”_  he whispers sadly, overwhelmed.

 _“You deserve better than me, Matt,”_  Kelly says, tightening his hold on Matt, hating that Matt’s life has taught him to have such low self-esteem. Matt shakes his head firmly like he’s shaking the idea away.  

 _“But you’re stuck with me,”_  Kelly goes on, smiling lightly into Matt’s ear _, “because I don’t think I’d be able to live without you anymore.”_

Matt is now nodding his head in agreement _. “Good. Me too. I can’t explain to you how you make me feel, Kel, I don’t have the words,”_  he turns his head to catch Kelly’s eyes.

 _“Or the voice,”_  Kelly jokes lightly, the turning serious again,  _“But I think I know, Matthew, I think I know.”_


	21. OUT

**21 | OUT**

18:50 Incoming Message; From: Severide: SO, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY ABOUT DATE-NIGHT TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW? THOUGHT WE COULD CHECK THIS NEW CLUB, DIP OUR TOES IN THE WATERS OF THE WORLD… YOU UP FOR IT?

After writing a deleting about 7 versions, afraid of coming across too enthusiastic, Matt finally gives up trying to be playful, seductive, funny or smart. He grunts in frustration as he sends the simple message:

19:02 Outgoing Massage, To: Severide: SURE

 19:06 Incoming Message; From Severide: WELL DON’T GET TOO EXCITED… PICK YOU UP AT 21:30

 19:08 Outgoing Massage, To Severide: SORRY, I’D LOVE TO, REALLY. SEE YOU THEN

...

 _“A gay club, really?”_ Matt can’t hide his surprise as they walk into the club and realization falls, the loud music forcing them to talk directly in each other’s ear.

_“Yeah well, thought it might make it easier on the PDA for the first time,”_

_“Oh, really? You planning on being appallingly PDA tonight?”_ Matt tries to come across easy and light, but Kelly can sense his underlying concern.

 _“Hopefully not appalling in any way, just able to kiss you if I want, dance with you in my arms, if we feel like it,”_ he lifts his head to look into Matt’s eyes in question, Matt nodding solemnly. _“Let’s get a drink,”_ Kelly offers, trying to loosen the atmosphere, tugging Matt toward the bar. _“Beer?”_

Matt nods again, taking in his surroundings as Kelly turns to the bar. He suddenly feels too many eyes on him, his eyes fall to the floor to avoid eye contact, not wanting to send the wrong message. 

 _“Hey honey, you’re all sorts of gorgeous, aren’t you?”_ a passing man asks Matt, eyeing him sharply up and down. Matt smiles bashfully, a blush rising in his cheek, his eyes glued to the floor, his hand grips a bit tighter on Kelly’s back.

 _“You okay?”_ Kelly asks as he returns and hands him a beer _._

_“They aren’t very subtle, are they?”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“I feel like a piece of meat; the way guys are looking at me. Is this how women feel on a night out?”_

_“Might be.”_ Kelly answers, _“you want me to set them straight? No pun intended...”_ Kelly laughs cheekily, but he can see Matt’s nervousness rising. _“Hey,”_ he says as he slips a hand behind Matt, pulling him against him, searching for his eyes, “ _it’s just you and me. Just like yesterday. Think of them as water.”_

Matt looks deep into his eyes, trying to let Kelly’s eyes and arms ground him into security, deciding to make an effort to enjoy the proximity to Kelly and ignore the rest.   
Not succeeding to relax and enjoy himself, Matt downs his beer to try and erase the edges of his unease, asking Kelly if he wants another one as well.

_“Don’t do that, Matt, we can go if you’re uncomfortable.”_

_“Don’t do what?”_

_“Drink to drown it out. You’re uncomfortable, let’s leave.”_

Matt looks at him for a moment, ashamed that Kelly had called him out but happy he’d noticed, but sad to ruin Kelly’s evening. _“No, you want to stay. We can stay. Or I can go, and you can stay and enjoy yourself, this just isn’t my thing.”_ He says apologetically but Kelly shakes his head heatedly.

_“I couldn’t give a damn about this place, Matt, I just want to hang with you.”_

A bubbling sensation of warmth and gratitude fills Matt, he can’t help himself, forgetting their surroundings and any inhibitions he may have had, and kisses Kelly quickly, leaving the other man utterly surprised.

 _“Let’s go to Molly’s then, have a quiet beer,”_ Matt offers, smiling, and Kelly takes the opportunity to kiss him again.

...

As they come into Molly’s they find it full but comfortable. No tables available, they set themselves at the bar, asking Otis for two beers.

 _“Better?”_ Kelly asks as they get their beers.

_“For me, yes. You?”_

_“I’m happy if you are. Cheers,”_ Kelly answers, raising his bottle, happy to see Matt’s confidence return as he settles in. They clink their beers, settling into a relaxed conversation about nothing important, both enjoying each other’s company and comfortable proximity.

 _“These are from the lady at the end of the bar,”_ Otis suddenly interrupts, setting two shot glasses in front of them. They raise their eyes to find a young brunette eyeing Severide. They raise the shots in salute before slinging them down, and she makes her way to them. Matt can see Kelly preparing himself for the encounter, curious to see what Kelly will do.

 _“Hi, I’m Terry,”_ the woman says.

 _“Kelly,”_ he answers, sending a knowing look at Matt.

 _“Thought maybe we could have another drink without so much bar between us,”_ she says smiling, not even looking at Matt. 

_“Sorry, Terry, but I’m actually here on a date with the most incredible person, so...”_

_“Where is she then?”_

_“Who?”_

_“Your date…”_

_“Right here,”_ Kelly grins as he takes hold of Matt’s hand.

 _“You’re gay?!”_ she says loudly, the surprise evident in her voice as her eyes roam the bodies of the two men in front of her. Matt’s eyes automatically scanning the room to see if anyone heard, he kicks himself mentally for caring, returning to focus on Kelly’s answer.

 _“No, but I’m also not available. Enjoy the rest of your evening.”_ Kelly sums it up, turning his full attention back to Matt.

.

 _“You didn’t have to do that,”_ Matt says, a worried look on his face.

_“Of course I did, I’m here with you.”_

_“Listen, Kelly,”_ Matt’s features become serious as he tries to put his thought into words, _“I know sex has always been a bigger part of your life than it has mine, I don’t expect you to give up sex with women because of our…”_

_“First of all, Matt, I have never in my life cheated on a partner, not going to start now.”_

_“That’s not what I meant, it’s not cheating if we talk about,”_

_“Secondly, don’t believe everything I dished out when I was younger, okay? Those were not all pretty days, most of it was lonely sex, sad sex to forget the impending loneliness. I’m not lonely anymore,”_ he whispers, his eyes finding Matt’s in an encouraging smile.

_“Don’t you miss it, though? I mean, it’s something I can’t give you,”_

_“Do you?”_

_“No, but,”_

_“Thirdly, Matthew,”_ Kelly smiles roguishly as he goes on, his voice lowering further _, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re quite a handful in bed. Insatiable really, so I don’t see myself needing or wanting any backup sex any time soon.”_

He can see Matt blushing at the sound of his words, a sheepish expression on his face. A chuckle escapes Kelly’s lips at how cute he finds Matt.

At that moment, Shay suddenly comes up behind them, her voice hushed, _“Uh, guys, just a heads up, don’t know what your plans were about keeping the lid on this, but the bitch in the back has other plans, she’s mouthing your situation loudly.”_

All three pairs of eyes move to watch the woman at the end of the bar as she rants into Joe Cruz’s ear, a look of surprise washing over him as his eyes shoot to find the two lieutenants sitting at the bar. They raise their bottles at him, a smirk on their faces, and he can’t decide what it means. They might be sitting in close proximity to each other, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. He grunts in frustration at having believed the crazy lady beside him.

.

 _“You ready to go?”_ Kelly asks as they finish their drinks.

 _“Yeah, just one thing I need to do first,”_ Matt says as he climbs off his stool.

 _“What’s that?”_ Kelly says distractedly as he pulls money from his pocket to pay for the drinks.

 _“This,”_ Matt says, his voice thick as he leans in to kiss Kelly.

A thought flashes through Kelly’s mind, that it’s going to be an extravagant, showy, blunt kiss, to make a point, but it’s not. Matt merely grazing Kelly’s lips at first, inviting him to play. It’s slow and warm and delicate and intimate. It’s about the two of them, not anybody else. _It’s so Matt_ , Kelly thinks, falling in love with him just a tiny bit more for his ability to remind Kelly so simply, what’s important and what’s not.

Their eyes sparkle at each other as they finish the kiss, their arms around each other, their heads close. “ _Come on, Handful,”_ Kelly says quietly, pulling lightly on Matt’s collar, _“let’s get you home. There might still be time for me to take advantage of you before shift tomorrow._ ”

And they get up with a chuckle and exit the bar, not even registering the intense, surprised silence that has ensued, all eyes on them, all heads filled with questions.


	22. Shift

_“Lieutenant Severide, Lieutenant Casey, my office, NOW.”_

Boden’s grim furious features greet them first thing the next morning as they come into the firehouse. They both knew it would come, talked about it that morning as they were getting dressed, but they didn’t know in what form or tone or from whom. They could deal with their shift mates, pull rank to protect their privacy and get the men to focus on the job, but Boden… there’s no fooling Boden. And they both hold him in such high esteem, they’re somewhat apprehensive to meet his eye, in case they find disappointment there or something worse. Kelly’s hand momentarily flutters against the back of Matt’s hand as they make their way following Boden, the rest of their features remaining sturdy and blank.

They stand in his office, almost at attention, looking at him as he sits at his desk. Both swallow heavily as they wait for his verdict. Not that it would change anything between them. They’d decided that earlier; They’d been through too much to give up now. But they’re lives would be that much harder without Boden’s support. Time goes by as he sits there, his eyes moving from Severide’s to Casey’s.

 _“Chief,”_ Kelly finally starts, unable to stand the silence. But Boden merely raises his hand in the air, signaling silence, his eyes looking straight ahead.

_“Whatever happens outside these walls, off shift, is none of my business.  Don’t need, don’t want to know about it. On a very general note, I’ll say, as a private person, it makes me very happy when people I care about, succeed to find happiness. In whatever way and with whomever they find right.  
_ _But, as the chief in charge of this house, EVERYTHING that happens within these walls, during shift, is my concern. The CFD frowns upon inter-house relations, I don’t need to tell you that, so I don’t want to know anything that might force me to report back to CDF headquarters. And I mean anything.”_

For the first time, he looks back into their eyes, his voice softer, more direct, more personal.   
_“This house can’t afford to lose either of you, personally nor as lieutenants. So, I am asking you, with as much authority as I have, without knowing anything about anything that might be happening outside shift that may affect this house, to not let it.  
_ _Don’t bring it in here, don’t let it affect your exceptional work and judgment. And this has nothing to do with gender; I hope that goes without saying. But, I know how high-strung and tense things can get on some calls, how adrenaline looks for an out between calls. Please, don’t put me in the situation where I have to confront either of you about this again. Are we clear?”_

 _“Yes sir, 100%.”_ Matt answers, his eyes gratefully finding their way to Boden’s eyes. They both register the light blush rising in their cheeks, embarrassed at having addressed such matters even in the most covert way.

 _“Yes sir, no sex in the showers. Got it,”_ Severide answers, unable to help himself, a grin spreading across his face as he finds Boden’s eyes. It’s his way of thanking Boden for his understanding, for looking away from regulations, for his support. It means more to Kelly than he can express.

 _“DISMISSED!”_ Boden roars without breaking appearance. Shaking his head as his two lieutenants head out of his office, a smile fluttering shortly on his lips.

..

 _“So it’s true then?”_ Dawson’s catches Matt when he puts his duffle bag in his locker. Not really daring to face him. He can see the pain in her eyes before they fall uncomfortably to the floor. He’s not sure what her tone is, but he knows it can’t be easy for her. He’d always suspected she wanted more from their relationship, though he couldn’t reciprocate, he didn’t mean to hurt her.  _“Good for you,”_ she mutters in a small begrudging voice, he’s not sure he believes her words.

 _“So, you’re not mad?”_ he can see her fight herself, collect herself before she answers, her eyes not meeting his, her foot kicking at the floor.

 _“I mean, I can’t say I’m not surprised. I was maybe kind of hoping, that one day, you and I…”_ she trails off, unable to finish that thought, embarrassed by how stupid she could have been to think he might be interested in her in that way. _“I just never thought Severide, you know?”_ she finishes quietly, not sure her words make any sense.

_“Look, Gabby, you’ve been a great friend to me, I hope this won’t change that. I hope you know how much you mean to me, as a friend.”_

_“What about Hallie?”_ her voice is suddenly harsh, she almost spits the words out, anger filling her as his words remind her of her stupidity, _“what about everything you said at the funeral?”_

_“I meant every word I said.”_

_“Pff,”_ a small, uncontrolled sound of disbelief escapes her lips as she lets her anger take over, simultaneously hating her own reaction.

 _“Hallie knew,”_ Matt’s eyes find hers, his voice unequivocal. He decides to ignore her reaction, give her the befit of the doubt, not give up on their friendship at the first sign of trouble. He realizes it’s anyway overwhelming, and she also needs to deal with disappointment. Dawson’s eyes grow wide in front of him, waiting for him to explain. His eyes fall to the floor as if he’s unsure of his words.  _“She knew there was someone els… that I was… anyway. Hallie is my business to worry about. I hope you can believe me when I say I never meant to hurt you and I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that I’m interested in anything more and I understand if you need time but I hope we can keep on being friends because you are important to me.”_

He’s surprised at how straightforward and composed he sounds, though his insides are churning. But when she doesn’t answer, her eyes to the floor, a bit of anger rises in him. _“Excuse me,”_ he says in a soft but controlled voice as he closes his locker, trying to keep his cool, _“I have work to do.”_

With that he leaves, his head loud with thoughts. With all his understanding, he can’t help but feel a bit disappointed by her reaction and defensive about his relationship with Severide. He’d hate to lose her, but if she made him choose, it would be Kelly every time, not a moment’s doubt about it. _Now it’s her decision to make._ He tells himself as he walks away. Fighting not to let his fears rise and flood him with questions of his own worthiness and value.

..

Sitting at the Squad table, Kelly can feel the uncomfortable silence of unasked questions.

 _“All eyes on me,”_ he says as he takes off his watch _. “I’m opening a watch, you have 60 seconds to get it off your chests, ask the questions. And then I don’t want to hear about it again. It’s not any of your business. Any of you have a problem with it after these 60 seconds, I have no problem to lob you off Squad and back into the roster.”_

_“You can’t do that, can he?”_

_“You want to find out, Hadley? 60 seconds, Go.”_

_“You really sleeping with him?”_ Capp’s expression says more than his words. _“Don’t knock it till you try it, Capp.”_

_“Who’s fucking who? Like, who’s on top?”_

_“Hadley, do I ask you what your wife’s favorite position is, or if you let her finger your asshole? No. So get your mind out of the gutter and your nose out of my bed habits. 30 seconds, anything else?”_

_“Is it serious?”_

Kelly takes a moment to take in Clarke’s expression, something in his voice bringing Kelly to change his standoffish tone.   
 _“Yes. It is.”_ He answers sincerely, his fingers busy with the wristband of his watch as he swallows heavily in the silence that follows.  _“Anything else?”_

The three men around the table shake their heads in mutual acceptance.

_“Okay, time’s up. That’s that then. I’ll be in my office if you need me.”_

_.._

_“Truck 81, round up, we’re going for a ride.”_ Matt barks as he crosses the common room on his way out to the truck. His truck members know better than to argue with that tone of voice.

They drive in silence for a while, until Matt begins to give Cruz driving directions, leading them into a deserted parking lot, nothingness surrounding them.

 _“Everybody up,”_ he says as he climbs out the truck and onto its roof, waiting for them to join him. Now that he’s here, he’s actually more nervous than when he’d come up with the idea.

 _“Is he serious?”_ Mouch mumbles at the thought of the unnecessary exertion.

 _“You heard the man,”_ Herrmann says, realizing Matt probably needs their support now more than anything. They all climb to the roof of the truck, standing there waiting for Matt to start talking.

_“Listen, guys, I know this might be weird for some of you. It’s kind of weird for me too.”_

Having suddenly heard himself confessing something he didn’t mean to, he stops to think about what he actually wants to tell them. The confidence and determination he’s shown with Gaby having been replaced with utter insecurity at the thought of losing the men he trusts his life with.

_“But, I promise, that as far as I’m concerned, this won’t change anything in the way we work. I know some of you have your issues with Severide, and I don’t want you to think this is going to change the way I do my job. I am your lieutenant, you 5 are my top priority, my responsibility in the field, and I trust you with my life, to keep doing the excellent job you do. We’ve all saved each other’s asses more than once out there, and that’s the only thing I ask of you now - to keep giving this team your 100%, so we can go home healthy at the end of every shift.”_

He’s shaking at the end of his little monologue, unintending for it to be so long, hoping they hear what he means in between his words.

They stand there in silence for a moment, looking at each other, until Herrmann offers Matt his hand for a shake. _“It’s all good, lieutenant.”_

And with that Matt knows he still has their respect and support, that nothing has changed and that perhaps, their ties just grew stronger. He smiles at them as they clap each other’s backs in a renewed feeling of unity.  Their drive back is already filled with laughter about something completely different.

..

It had been a rather slow day, calls were down to a minimum, some didn’t even call for both trucks to be together on scene. At 21:00 Matt can’t take the ache in his chest anymore and slips into Kelly’s office, knowing all eyes have been waiting for this to happen all day. He just doesn’t care anymore, the day has been long and emotional and though almost everyone has been nice and supporting, and reacted way better than he’d anticipated, he feels lonely and scared in his self-imposed solitude and without the possibility to talk to Kelly. He leaves the blinds open but closes the door behind them, to keep the gossip down to a minimum but enable them some privacy.

 _“Hi,”_ Kelly’s blue eyes meet his, and he drowns in them for a moment, everything else falls away as he derives strength from the blue. _“You okay?”_ Kelly asks softly, registering Matt’s dark and tired features.

Matt nods solemnly and Kelly knows something is wrong. He wishes he could hold Matt but knows they can’t give in, can’t slip up so soon. This will take time and they have to keep a professional distance for now. It’s also why Matt’s remained by the door instead of coming to stand by Kelly.

 _“How has your day been? How did everyone take it?”_ Kelly leans his head on his hands on the table, stopping himself to reach for Matt as the blonde man deflates in front of him as he goes and sits on the bed, his eyes skimming the bunk-filled room just outside the window.

_“Fine. Most of it was fine. You?”_

_“Yeah, had to knock Hadley down a few notches but, other than that, Squad’s solid. What is it, Matt?”_

_“Nothing, just tired. I missed you. I feel like all eyes are on us, waiting for us to slip, or kiss, so they can see what it looks like, like it’s a performance, a zoo.”_

_“It will pass, I promise. I’ve missed you too today. Enjoyed the view, though, when you were drilling out front,”_ a smile spreads across his face as his eyes find Matt’s.

 _“Stop,”_ Matt says quietly, _“don’t make this any harder.”_

 _“Mmm,”_ Severide grins as they both twist the pun in their heads and chuckle as their eyes meet.

 _“God, you’re impossible.”_ Matt laughs, relief seeping in as his loneliness fades.

_“You’re beautiful, Matt, sometimes I can’t take my eyes off of you.”_

Kelly’s confession caresses something deep inside Matt. _“This is harder than I thought it would be,”_ Matt admits, a worried look in his eyes, but Kelly is unable to hold the pun in.

_“That’s what she said…”_

_“Okay, I’m leaving.”_ Matt chuckles as he begins to get up.

 _“No, sorry, stay. No more puns, I promise. Just stay,”_ they look at each other for a moment, sincerity floating between them, and Matt takes his place again. _“You said most of it was fine, what wasn’t?”_

 _“Dawson,”_ Matt says painfully _, “at first she was okay, then she got kind of angry. Asked about Hallie and the eulogy,”_

_“That’s none of her business, Matt, you don’t owe her any explanations.”_

_“I know, I told her that too, but, I don’t know, guess I’m a bit disappointed at her reaction. Hoped she’d be happy for us. For me.”_

_“Give it time… she’s probably just disappointed herself. I’m sure Shay will knock some sense into her and she’ll come around. And if not, she’s not worth it, you hear me? It’s her loss.”_

Matt looks up into Kelly’s face, trying to feel some of the security he senses in Kelly. He smiles sadly.

 _“Why don’t you rest here for a bit?”_ Kelly offers quietly, _“I have to finish this report and if things go on like this, you’ll be able to catch some sleep…”_

 _“Whoa… don’t jinx it,”_ Matt says hurriedly, his eyes batting around the room in superstition, as he lays back on the bed, hands behind his head, his boots sticking out over the end of it.

Not 20 minutes later, the alarm goes off, waking Matt out of a light slumber. He manages to roll his eyes at Kelly, on his way out of the office and onto the truck.


	23. A Choice To Be Made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last real chapter of this story. then follow two epilogues..  
> hope you don't get too mad at this twist.   
> I always think of it as an opportunity to start everything again and earn all those sweet moments again.

**A Choice To Be Made**

_“Severide, Severide,”_

He can hear a soft voice calling him back, pulling him out of an oblivion he didn’t know he’d been in. He wasn’t scared but now he wants to follow the voice, hoping it will lead him to Matt.

_“Matt,”_

He opens his eyes to find a female face floating above him. He’s lying in a bed and everything is white. _“Welcome back,”_ the doctor says and he can see Shay’s smiling face next to him.

_“Matt, where’s Matt?”_ he mumbles again, frantic, _“get Matt.”_

_“He’s right outside, Kelly, calm down,”_ Shay says quietly, surprised by his response as he comes to from his medically induced coma.

_“What happened? How long was I out?”_

_“4 days. You jumped on a terrorist in the lobby of the hospital, you idiot. You’ve been through some serious surgery. We weren’t sure we’ll get you back…”_

_“Where’s Matt?”_ he says again, his voice small with worry.

_“I’ll get him, Kelly, it’s only family in here but I’ll get him,”_ Shay says, looking at the doctor in surprise and concern. The doctor nods, looking at Kelly’s stats in the machines around him, before leaving the room.

 

_“Matt,”_ a relieved whisper leaves Kelly’s lips as he sets eyes on the blonde lieutenant.

_“Severide,”_ Matt says smiling with relief, confused at Kelly’s choice of his first name, but assuming it’s the confusion of the coma and the drugs.

_“God, I missed these eyes,”_ Kelly says as he pulls Matt’s face closer to his, not giving any notice to Shay standing behind Matt. _“I could see them, I didn’t forget, I could see you, I wanted to get back to you. You’re beautiful.”_

_“Ok,”_ Matt smiles in confusion, looking up a Shay who is as confused as he is, _“you’re on some pretty good drugs, aren’t you?”_

_“Tell me it was real, Matt, tell me it wasn’t all a dream.”_

_“What was, Severide?”_

_“You, me. Together.”_

_“What?”_

_“No, it can’t have only been a dream,”_ Kelly becomes distressed and the machines begin beeping around him _. “it was so real, it was beautiful, we were so happy.”_

_“Okay, Kelly, calm down, you have to calm down,”_ Shay pushes her way to him, fiddling with the tubes and buttons around him _._

_“No, no, Matt, listen to me.”_

_“Okay, Severide, I’m right here, I’m listening, but you have to calm down okay? You need rest.”_

_“No, I need to tell you. It started after Hallie’s death, at the hospital, I held you and you told me not to let go, so I didn’t, I stayed and you told me you loved me and I told you I love you and we were on the most perfect date on the boat, Matt, Matthew,”_ Kelly begins to drift off, as the medication sets in, but he fights to get through to Matt, holding tightly to his hand. _“I want that, Matt, with you. I want you. I love… Don’t let go,”_ is the last thing he manages to mumble before he loses the battle against sleep.

And Matt stands there, his eyes on the sleeping man in front of him, his mind reeling, trying to make sense of the words Kelly had said, words he’d never thought he’d hear, words that express exactly what he’s been feeling since forever and could never bring himself to say or even think.  

He turns his head to find Shay, to see if he’d heard it right, if he hasn’t dreamt it all himself. She just smiles at him, her smile changing from a genuine smile to a smirk and back, as she shrugs her shoulders.

_“Did you know about this?”_ Matt can hardly speak.

_“Um, not so elaborately, but, yeah, in a way, he’s been running around his feelings for you for a while.”_

_“What does it mean?”_

_“Uh, what?”_

_“I mean, what do I do?”_

_“I can’t tell you that Matt, that’s your decision. You need to figure out how it makes you feel, what you want. If you want… Kelly.”_

Matt’s eyes fall to Kelly’s calm features, to his hand gripping Matt’s.   
As Shay leaves the room to give him some time and privacy, he tries to block everything out, dare to finally face what’s been beating in his heart for a while. All his fears run through his head, painting painful images of disappointed eyes and teeth-glistening laughs, of people pointing and yelling with disgust as they hear about him having a relationship with a man.

_With Kelly_ , he tells himself, and his feelings change, his fears dissipate and a tingly warmth bubbles inside him. It’s new and exciting and overwhelming and he realizes he’s extremely interested to find out what it could all mean. A rush of devotion surges through him and suddenly he has an answer.   
He tightens his hold around Kelly’s hand, his fingers moving to caress Kelly’s hair, his words whispered against Kelly’s ear, as his lips set a light kiss against the side of his head.

_“As long as you want, Kelly.”_


	24. Epilogue/ Prologue

10:13 Incoming Message; From: Severide: WHERE ARE YOU?

 10:16 Outgoing Massage, To: Severide: PARK BENCH, JUST FINISHED A RUN

 10:18 Incoming Message; From: Severide: EVERYTHING OK?

 10:20 16 Outgoing Massage, To: Severide: YEAH, FINE.

  

15 minutes later, Kelly finds Matt sitting on a park bench, soaking in the sun, his eyes on the lawn across the path from him, a troubled expression on his face.

_“Hey, beautiful,”_ Kelly says when he comes closer, handing him a bottle of orange juice before sitting down next to him.

_“Hey, what are you doing here?”_

_“I know what ‘fine’ means, Matt. You’ve been gone for a while...”_

_“Yeah, sorry, ran the long trail, had to clear my head.”_

_“Of what?”_

_“Nothing, never mind_.”

Kelly follows his eyes to a father playing with two small children on the grass before Matt lowers his eyes to the ground _._

_“Come on, Matt, talk to me.”_

Mat hesitate for a moment, then begins carefully. “I _always thought kids were what came between Hallie and me; I was never able to let go of wanting children, so I was prepared to let go of her. And now,”_

_“Now what?”_ Kelly's voice is full of concern.

_“I love you, Kelly, I do, I’m not prepared to let go of you, but I still want kids. I didn’t think about it going in, but I also didn’t think about the fact I’d have to give up having children.”_

_“Gay couples can have children, Matt.”_

_“Gay couples can fight bureaucracy for years for the off chance that some judge will allow them to adopt a child, only to then fight the rest of their lives against what society thinks of them.”_

_“What? Matt, that’s crazy. Your ideas are from the dark ages, I swear.”_

Matt doesn’t answer, but the sad look in his eyes doesn’t diminish.

_“What are you saying, Matt?”_

_“Nothing. I don’t know, I’m just confused. Sorry.”_

They sit silently for a while, Matt’s eyes return to the family not far from them, now practicing somersaults on the grass.

_“I’m glad you’re not prepared to let me go.”_ Kelly says quietly, smiling, he takes Matt’s hand in his, _“I’m not prepared for you to let me go either.”_

_“I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you.”_ Kelly starts again after a moment of calm silence.

_“About what?”_

_“The same thing, actually. Children.”_

_“What?”_ Matt can’t hide his surprise. Even before they were together, Kelly had never really talked about wanting children. Matt always assumed his experiences with his father had made him opt against it. He can feel Kelly become nervous next to him, searching for words.

_“You have to promise not to freak out. And to let me finish before you answer. And you have to believe me when I say, I want this, but I’m not doing this without you. I’m not willing to give you up either.”_

_“Kelly, you’re freaking me out. Just say-, oh god; Did one of your one-night stands come back claiming you impregnated her?”_

_“No,”_ Kelly can’t stop himself from laughing. If it hadn’t already happened before, he might have been offended, but they both know him too well to know it’s possible. _“No, it’s not that. I don’t think that can happen to a man more than once. Although, with Benny Severide… I take it back. But no, that’s not it, I promise.”_

_“What then?”_

Kelly takes a deep breath. _“A few months ago, before all of this, before us, Shay asked me to help her make a baby through artificial insemination. And I said yes. And we tried it once, and it didn’t work. And then a lot of things happened, and we put on hold. But now, well, she’s ready now, and she’s asked me again.”_

_“And what did you say?”_

_“I said I wanted to talk to you. That it depends on your answer.”_

_“You’re asking for my permission to help your lesbian best friend have a baby?”_

_“No, Matt, I’m asking you if you’d be willing to be part of the family Shay and I are thinking about starting.”_

_“What?!”_

_“No, that came out wrong. Wait, let me explain.”_ He can see Matt’s fury rising. He holds on to Matt hand tighter, afraid he’s going to leave. _“I want to do this for Shay, I want to help her have a baby. But when Shay and I talked about it, I realized, I’d want to be the baby’s dad, I’d want to be there for it._ _But that was before you and me.  
I know you want kids and I don’t think you should give that up just because you’re in a relationship with me. This is a way for us to have kids,”_

_“Are you insane?! Have you lost your mind completely?!”_ Matt is now yelling, having gotten up from the bench and facing Kelly.

_“Wh-, Matt,”_

_“No, don’t Matt me. You and I have been in a relationship for less than 4 months, Kelly, and you’re talking about having a baby?! Have you met us? Do you know what we do for a living?”_

_“Matt! Sit down!”_ Kelly pulls Matt to sit by him, trying to keep his calm against Matt’s panic _._ _“Listen, I know it’s fast. I know. But, Matt, we’ve known each other for a lot longer than 4 months. And, you’re it for me. I don’t want anyone else and I won’t want anyone else.  I have never been as happy as I am with you, Matt, I’m in this. I don’t need another 6 months or 2 years to know. I know now.”_

Kelly’s eyes try to find Matt’s, but Matt keeps his eyes on the ground, a blush rising in his cheeks at Kelly’s confession. 

_“I told you, I won’t go on with Shay’s idea if you’re uncomfortable with it, because I’m not willing to lose you over this. Over anything. If it’s a matter of time, I’m sure we can ask Shay to wait a few months._ _As for the rest of the things you said – I think you’d be an extraordinary father, and I hope to be a decent one as well._ _And it’s true we’re firefighters and that has risks, but firefighters have families too. Herrmann has kids, Darden had a family, that’s not a reason for us not to have one._

_"I don’t need an answer this minute, Matt, I just want you to think about it. Just think about it. And if you decide against it, that’s fine. I get it. It won’t change anything between us, I promise. I swear. Matt, just, please, think about it.”  
_ He can feel a change in Matt, the fury dispelling back into sadness as his eyes return to follow the family on the grass. But he doesn’t say anything.  _“Matt?”_

Slowly Matt moves his head to look at Kelly, a solemn look in his eyes. His hand reaches to cup Kelly’s face. _“You’re it for me too,”_ he says quietly, yieldingly, his lips move to kiss Kelly’s temple and then find his lips, in a slow, sad kiss.

 

 

_“Why are you kissing him?”_ a small voice pulls them from their kiss, surprised to find a little girl looking at them curiously.

_“Because I love him,”_ Kelly answers unfazed.

_“But he’s a boy. You’re both boys.”_

_“So?”_

_“So, boys aren’t supposed to kiss boys,”_

_“Says who?”_ the girl looks at them confused, shrugging her shoulders when she can’t find an answer.

“ _Well, I’m a firefighter, and I say, you’re allowed to kiss anyone you love if they agree to it of course.”_

_“Did you agree?”_ her question now turned to Matt.

_“I did,”_ he answers, amused.

_“Claire!”_ a voice can be heard calling the girl, all three of them turn to look, as a woman beckons her to come back to her.

  _“I have to go,”_  the girl says as she turns and runs back to her family, waving at them from a distance.

They sit there, smiling, waving back. The weight of their conversation having been somewhat lifted with the girl’s interruption. They’re just happy to sit for a while in each other’s arms, enjoying a warm Sunday morning on a bench in the park.


	25. ESSENTIAL (a second Epilogue)

**ESSENTIAL (a second Epilogue)**

_“Matt?! Oh my god! Matt!”_

Shay’s yelling brings Matt hurriedly out of his room, to find her scrambling quickly down the spiral staircase, her eyes focused on the steps, but a grin plastered on her face.

 _“Shay? Shay, slow down. What’s wrong?”_ he calls at her worriedly, waiting at the bottom of the stairs.

 _“You have to feel this, here,”_ she says as she plants herself in front of him, placing his hand on her slightly swollen belly.

 _“What?”_ he says after a moment in which nothing happens, his eyes finding hers in question.

 _“Wait, wait,”_ she says quietly, not moving her eyes from her stomach.

They stand there a moment, her hand holding his against her stomach, and Matt becomes a bit uncomfortable with their position and awkward physical contact. But as he begins to pull his hand away, a tiny protest on the tip of his tongue, he feels it. A small ripple against his hand from inside Shay’s stomach.

 _“Whoa,”_ he lets slip quietly, mesmerized, _“what was that?”_

 _“Right?!”_ Shay finally raises her eyes to him, taking in his features, now concentrated on her stomach, waiting for another occurrence. _“It’s moving, I guess,”_

 _“Does it hurt?”_ he asks, his eyes shooting quickly to Shay’s face before setting back on her stomach.

_“Not really. Not yet, anyway. It’s just kind’a weird. And uncomfortable when I’m sitting.”_

When it happens again, Matt’s grin grows wider, spreading across his face, his eyes big and shiny with happiness. It’s the first time Shay sees him engaged with the pregnancy, the feelings that were always kept at bay suddenly very much visible.  
Until now, though the three of them live together, and the interactions between Matt and Shay have remained comfortable, Kelly was the active one with anything concerning the pregnancy. He was the donor, he came to the doctor’s appointments with her, he’d calm her down when she was stressed and bring her ice cream when she was craving (though, honestly, it was a tad early for that).  
Matt was there, he was Kelly’s partner in perhaps the most solid relationship she’d ever seen Kelly hold, but he was rather in the background with everything concerning the baby. When they’d talk about baby things, he’d remain quiet, biting his lip and letting them babble and dream. When they went to the doctor, he’d stay home, cooking for them when they got back, but he never really let himself feel a part of this new adventure Kelly and she are on.

When the movement stops, Matt pulls his hand back but stays close in proximity.  _“I’m sorry Kelly wasn’t here to feel that,”_ he reflects quietly, a small smile on his lips.

 _“Yeah, but he’ll get his chance... there’s more to come.”_ She says reassuringly, in awe again at how selfless Matt is, immediately thinking about Kelly's loss rather than his gain. _“And I’m glad you were here.”_

 _“Me too,”_ he says bashfully. They stand in a slightly awkward silence for a moment.

_“Hey, Matt,”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Listen, I know it’s a bit weird, this whole situation, and I know it was a bit rushed, but I want you to know that I’m really happy you’re here, with Kelly. I’ve never seen him so happy,”_ Matt just smiles at her and that encourages her to go on, _“and I want you to know, for me, you’re a part of this family. I want you to feel a part of this baby’s life, a part of this pregnancy. As far as I’m concerned, it’s your kid too.”_

Matt’s eyes grow bigger in front of her and she can see he’s at a loss for words, uncontrolled emotions running across his face. She doesn’t think she’s ever seen him so exposed, his habitual guard suddenly nonexistent. 

 _“I,”_ he mumbles, not knowing what to say, he gapes at her as his mouth stupidly opens and closes, she can see tears forming in his eyes.

 _“Hey,”_ she says, chuckling as she leans in to wrap her arms around him, _“I thought I was supposed to be the hormonal one here,”_ she tries laughing it out as she rubs his back, realizing the whole subject is perhaps more important than either she or Kelly had given notice to.

 _“Thank you,”_ Matt mumbles against her shoulder, holding her tight, maybe the tightest he’s ever held her.

 _“Matt, too tight,”_ she splutters out and is immediately released to a wave of his apologies.

 _“Sorry, sorry, sorry,”_ he repeats over and over again, not knowing what to do with himself, his hand floating above her belly and her shoulders as he checks she’s okay. She laughs at his excited helplessness.

 _“So, that means you get a say, Matt, in everything, okay?”_ she tries to bring the conversation back, to gain some control over their emotional state. _“You’ll need to say what you’re thinking, what you want. No more sitting back silently and accepting every stupid thing Kelly and I think up. Okay? We need you to keep us sane and grounded. We each have a role here, yeah?”_ She smiles as Matt nods silently, his eyes still watery. _“Okay, good. First matter on the list: Dinner.”_ She tries to steer them away from their serious emotional exchange, into light and safer grounds, _“I’m starving. What are we having?”_

 _“I’ll cook,”_ Matt says immediately, joy taking over, he decides to try and drown his excitement in something productive. He didn’t know Shay noticed his reserve, but he’s giddy with happiness at her confirmation of his place in the house and their newly formed family. It’s not like anything he’d known or dreamed of growing up, as he’d sit on the edge of a foreign bed and try and replace his broken experiences with utopic dreams. But it’s theirs, and he’s happy, and he feels safe and loved and equal, so he’s learning to embrace it and the new experiences it brings with it _.  
__“How does veggy lasagna sound?”_ he asks out of his musing, as they walk into the kitchen.

 _“Fancy,”_ Shay answers lightly, and the mood is comfortable again, _“how can I help?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE  
>  END  
>  ...


End file.
